About 4 years on

Almost 4 years have passed since I last blogged here. I wish I could truly mean it when I say I am a different person as before - but looking at past posts... the only thing that changed is the date on the calendar and my age. I'm still the - emotionally stunted - person as before. 

Sometimes I wish I could pack my feelings into boxes, categorize them and take them out only when it's appropriate. Then again, maybe not. 

Maybe one day I'll come back a better (different) person. 

the show is over

i'm the kind of person that wishes for smth to happen and when it finally happens, i wonder why did i even wish it in the first place. take my current situation now. i kinda missed being sick and now that i am, i am feeling hot and cold and nauseous and sane all at the same time.
today, someone had an intention of passing me medicine and even if the medicine never got to me, i felt like that someone passed me the medicine anyway. its the thought that counts right? k. my dog just conveniently placed his ass in my face. goodnight im going to merge with me bed.

Hi Charis, I may be miles away from you, but yknw, I'm always here for you, whenever you need me to. A few more months till we hang out at my playground ok? This time we will arrange an earlier timing so I won't be so tired out and my mom wouldn't be an unhappy bitch and my flight wouldn't be the next day. Dk what else to give you, but I guess a virtual kiss on yr forehead? It will be okay.
:)

p.s. we are going to have an awesomeeeee christmas, wait for me!

I wonder what is it like from yr point of view, what is really going thru yr head. And I know I have to be on my toes most of the time now, bcos if I let slip anything, I will fall back. I had this long essay typewritten out in my head, but I'm thinking, it's not right. I just finished time traveler's wife, I feel like a friend of mine died. I don't always feel that. You're the book I never wanted to finish but I had to anyway even if I really hated the way it ended. I'm back to thoughts being all over the place, bcos right now, my mind can't just stay in one place, in one timezone. And I'm going to ikea tmr, rmb to get the bed thingy for stephy and ironing board for charissa. I need to go for a run tmr, bcos it is the only thing I found constant, to keep me sane. I'm not sad.

"Don't you think it's better to be extremely happy for a short while, even if you lose it, than to be just okay for your whole life?"

My posts do not necessarily mean it is directed to anyone that reads this. But anyway, here's one fo'sure. From my pov, when you start anything with someone new, start with a clean start. Try as you might to not have any soft spots for anyone else, bcos if you do, it's more than likely going to hinder anything you're going to have. Well for me at least, I don't think I can start to really feel anything for someone else if I still have someone I have a soft spot for.

I am surprised by how calm I dealt with reality now that I am back, obviously there is still this wooooooooahouch feeling but yknw, I'm happy if you are. And I'm happy if you are. That's for anyone and everyone that I care about unless you're the indian that stays opposite me or the china lady behind the store bcos well, I don't exactly care whether you're dead or alive.

Ok. Shall try to stop being racist, since there is an increasing number of indians involved in conversations I'm having with people and I met a really friendly indian earlier.
But for now. .. . . . . ...
I shall go running, I love running. Literally. Not figuratively. And I miss my friends.

I'm ready to go, I'm not ready to leave.

So right now, I'm doing what I do best currently. I'm reading(listening) to what someone else has to say. I'm just thinking.. If I listened a bit more and not run away a few years back, you might have been different and not how you are right now. I talk about you like you don't matter but. You do. I still have this feeling that you turned out this way bcos of me and right now .. I guess I'm being selfish by avoiding you altogether now.

I'm leaving tonight for another 6 months, it's nice to know that people I have hung out with almost everyday since I came back are going to miss me when I'm gone even if it's just 6 months. And as for you, you don't even know I came back and I would like to leave it that way. I guess, I still miss how you used to be even if it was a long time ago.

1. "it's not that I like her that I am excited, I just want to know how is she doing"
2. Be careful, if you're not too good in playing the game, you might just get yr fingers burnt.
3. ouch.

I like changes, but not all the time. I like twists in a story, but not this one. I like a book, but I don't like it if the author gets confused and changes the direction of where the story is going every other time. The last time I was here, everything was almost perfect. I had my room, with my star up there, I had the time of my life and my father still had his complete set of teeth (haha). I think I like it here bcos it's a vacation get away from Melbourne. And I have lost whatever that was in my head.

Approximately one more week till I head back.

This is really confusing. But. Actually. Nothing has changed, we just got a clearer view of what we really want.

So hi 2011. You have brought me happiness and frustration thus far but it's okay, I went to church today and I believe good things will happen.
2011, I'm turning 20 in a foreign land and chances are, I will be too when I turn 21. Home hasn't exactly been an ideal environment since my return but it's the closest I can get. And thank you for making the end of 2010 sweet and fun. You have been of great company to me and I adore you more than just a little. It's too early for me to say anything other than PUKA, but one can only hope. You're different and I wasn't kidding.

If you saw things thru my eyes, you would knw how scared I am to cross this line.
Idk how my 98% seriousness faded off to .... Right now, you just can't seem to leave my mind. But it just doesn't feel right, esp when he's my good friend who obviously still wants you back. And somehow, I feel like I should be moping around for a bit more and you too. But then again, I feel like it's just it. I can make things for the best, I can be yr happily ever after for now. I'm looking at you in another way I didn't use to, I'm feeling smth somewhat stronger from the past. But I'm scared to. I'm so scared I'll screw this up and this time, I'll lose you fo'real.
......
I just feel like hiding in a hole.

the time is now

There’s always a difference between having a girlfriend, even if you guys communicate less than 10 sentences a day and argue for that 9 sentences, and not having one. Even if you two have been arguing and quarreling, there is this invisible string/thread that ties the both of you to each other and no matter how thin the thread has become bcos of how much you two have faded.. It’s still there so long you both knw that you two are still in it.

-

I can feel the heartache coming on, the familiar heartache everytime smth unpleasant happens to us. Can’t deny that I am a little relieved bcos it’s true we have been going on like this for a while and it’s causing more than just a bit of strain. Can’t say the same to how much I/’ll miss you bcos you have indeed been a huge part of my life and you have indeed been the hardest I’ve fought for. I still don’t knw how I agreed to put myself thru so much for someone I couldn’t really see the first time I saw her. But, thank you bcos.. You have opened up a side of me I never thought I would ever again. I did not have much but I gave you the best of me. You kinda showed me that one can still love someone even no matter how ugly the past was. We had our differences all along but those differences showed up at the later stage bcos we didn’t want to compromise. We were the best but we lost ourselves along the way. I guess I wanted to feel like I could be the one you change for, not so much of bcos I couldn’t accept who you really are.

I may have strayed in my thoughts, my eyes, but my heart was yrs to keep right from the start. You were the queen of my heart.

I reckon we would might have been able to work out if we had been older, promises of forever and always would have been easier to keep and we would have dealt our differences with a higher level of maturity. Or at least for me. We are young, I am young, but I meant it anyway when I asked if you would marry me.

Thank you for keeping my heart in a safe place for the past 2years. Here’s yours, keep it safe, give it to someone that will treat it better than I did.

-

But once you guys agree that you two are done, the string snaps that second you two say yr goodbyes.

-

For now.

I guess all I’m really saying is .. We are done.

-

Take care.

Love, Me.

Last night, I fell in love without you

Whoop so I dreamt you were freaked out by the things I did.
You're asleep and I wonder if you're having a sweet dream. Could be anything in the world..
Yr exams are coming soon, I'm sorry for spilling out on you like that.
Hope yr house issues don't get to you, I promise to help you. All you need to do is rmb that I'm here and I have the ability to help.
I uh, miss you. But lately these iloveyous imissyous are 1/10 in a hundred words we speak to each other.
I guess it bothers me abit that I tweet abt you, I write abt you(not here) and you basically have all the affection for everyone else in the world.

You knw how it feels when you're holding sand and it just slips right out of yr palms?
You're the sand in my palm.

If you're reading this at all, I hope you have a good day today. I kept you in my heart and I hope you never go away.
I love you.

I wish we could fall in love all over again.

TGIF, it's the end of the week. But I have work piling up and exams coming soon .. I feel like I have a lot of time that I'm not using it wisely. I spend it getting my emotions wrecked and let it affect my mind while I'm suppose to be concentrating, I get distracted by technology. I wonder if I am bipolar. I was in a state of I just wanna shower you with all the love I had in the world, but now. I'm in a state of .. I just wanna go for a run and study and run and study and the cycle continues.

So this is locked up or I reckon it is. I wish I could be indifferent to how indifferent you were to me. I'm sorry.

2235

Today felt a tad weird. But anyway. I'm thinking if I should lock this up. Should I?

so, stand close to me, dont sail away baby

I just saw a mother n son on a holiday, makes me feel like having one with my mom. .. Looked back two years ago and realized how different I was from the current me. We used to talk for hours on end, now it is as though whatever we say don't interest each other anymore. Or I could be just as paranoid.

So I got up early, ate my breakfast and cleaned up my house did my chores, spent a good 15 mins solely on playing with my dog. Not alot but still. I haven't got that much homework done as well but I feel a tad more productive bcos I am not so confused over what to do for my essay anymore.

(Hi Sharene Lau, you're abt the only other besides idk who reading this, can't let you knw enuff that you're beautiful to me. And you're my one and only, I love you)