I'm here now, and I don't think I fully registered I was till after I did some skipping earlier. I sat down, and hugged my legs really tightly and started to cry.

I felt the walls closing in on me. Like, I couldn't see further than what was in front of me. Like, I couldn't stretch my arms out without hitting something and hurting myself. And I wanted to hurt myself, just to see if I could actually bleed from that misery, and whether I'll cry because I did something that stupid. Or laugh for that matter.

I am happy because I get to see everyone that matters. But I feel like I lose myself a little as each day passes and I can't even remember who I was yesterday.

This is it.

I'm leaving the city at 1600 and then my flight will be at 1900 Melbourne time. It still feels unreal that I will not be coming back again so soon.

Am I even fully registering it yet?

Cause it's your heart, it's alive, it's pumping blood

The cleaners came over today and my apartment was pretty much cleared out. By tomorrow morning, it would be.

I'm pretty much writing this with a heavy heart, sitting at one of my favourite cafe. The type I can waste away an afternoon away just watching the world go by.


I wonder how many faces I passed without knowing it's their last day just like how anyone passing me. Nobody knows about anyone's stories unless they ask, and each person has a story, an ambition, a whole wealth of memories and life that nobody has access to unless they allow.

It just feels a little grand putting it that way,  I think. And it'll be really sad to have nobody to share it with.

I don't know where I'm getting at if I'm getting to anywhere. All I know is the chapter is about to reach its end and it's with a heavy heart that I say goodbye.

+5

And here it is, the last weekend spent as a resident in Melbourne City.

I could, I could apply for a PR next year but I am thinking if I would really do that. It just sounds so far away and a highly unlikely scenario even if mom and I discussed it fleetingly.

It's a cool morning, and possibly the last cool morning before I leave.

I'm sad, I really am - just thinking about it. My stuff were packed into boxes and shipped away yesterday. Memories of the old and the older packed and to be opened in an old environment yet so long ago that it feels new again. Things were simultaneously thrown out, memories were brought to the front memory and sorted out.

What memory did I want to keep? What memory did I rather leave it here and never face it again? What did I want to relive again even if the feeling could never be replicated ever again?

It's something new, packing all these things to go back to a place I would say "home"  in an instant but yet still feel so foreign at this stage. It still feels like a different life away.

My home here is moving in reverse and I feel a certain sense of dissonance with things. This disconnection that everything is playing in reverse, and the connection because I saw everything move chronologically.

I might break down when I leave, because it wasn't a life I wanted to give up. But I might also be relieved because it's a burden off my shoulders.

I don't have to worry about so many things anymore and I'll be with my parents. I thought I could always keep my temper in check but everytime when I quieten down my mind, there's always something to say sorry for and something I forgot to be thankful for.

I guess this is almost it. It's almost time to say goodbye.

But not yet.

But not yet.

+8

It's almost there - the end of my stay.

Mom's here, we just returned from Taz last night. (I'm afraid of putting down the full name cause I am afraid some representative emails me and get me to take down my post)

It was utterly boring, but I guess it was a slightly good reprieve from the hustle and bustle of Melbourne city.

But still really boring, my mom and I were counting down the minutes till we were back in the airplane towards Melbourne.

So here I am, the morning after of arriving from Taz. Accomplished a few things last night, sold off my dining table (feeling a little imbalanced because of that) and packed some of my stuff into boxes.
I can't believe I am heading back just next week, I feel like I am having an allergy reaction just to the idea of getting into an airplane and finishing a chapter titled "The Australian Dream".

I guess one good I can immediately think of when I head back is the weight falling off like magical flakes or something. Staying here certainly puts a wrench into my ideal type of bod, but something's gotta give, hey?


I am going to miss this type of quiet morning with the humming of a machinery in the background. The birds. No children shouting in the background, and still a cool morning.

I am going to miss this place so badly, this house, this life.  I don't wanna say goodbye, it's like breaking off a relationship that wasn't going to lead me to anywhere. And there it is, I answered the silent question in the air.

It's time to break it all off and move on to greener pastures and this time I hope, I will really water the greens till it's greenest at where I'm at.