Tool

Today, I caught myself wiping away tears in secret because I did not want anyone to witness it.

It feels like a gaping hole sometimes. 

I am listening to songs that were played in repeat right at the beginning - when I was still figuring out what was happening. The apprehensiveness and the excitement of everything. And now, when I replay these songs - I feel a twist in my heart because after everything that has been said and done... 

I am just a tool to fill your void but you just wouldn't admit it. 

Time

 Time will tell. 

I was full of hate last night and utterly irrational. Today morning, I carried a little of hate and I carried a little irrational with me. All the things I am doing... is it worth it? Tho I recon there will never be a good outcome if we measured things in a black and white scale. If its worth it then I will do it. If not, then I will not. 

Cause sometimes even when it is worth every inch of you, sometimes it may not be enough. I may not know what I am talking about in the years to come. Some days I fear I forget why I exist and I forget my purpose. 

Yes, I am heartbroken in a way I can't tell anybody. I can't share the extent how much this hurts. I can only keep on smiling. And when I said I was not deluded, it was a lie. Nobody knows because she's right - I am that good a liar. 

Hurt

 I hurt, 

My heart hurts at a degree that I can't fathom. I am looking at myself in the mirror and I am blaming myself and everything and everyone in the world why did I not turn out another way? If I did, IF I DID - then one problem would have at least been solved. 
I never wrote  in my diary with such angst, and hate. But I did today and I hated every word and my very being. Can you feel my despair? Can anyone understand? Can you understand? To be limited because of your existence. 

likewise

 As mentioned more than a year ago, certain songs evoke a kind of emotions in you that you thought you have forgotten. 

I possess a certain kind of sadness when I am alone and she's right when she said, she worries a little when she leaves me alone. 

Because here I am alone - and thinking things that I promised I wouldn't. At the very same time, how can I not be thinking of those things when I am alone? 

It is exactly the reason I think about her that I start to think about other things - things that I know if I brought it up time and time again, it'd be the end of us. 

At the same time, we both know we don't have a future and everyday is every stolen moment. It suits the idealistic side of me when I am in the mood to just think about the events leading up to 23:59 on that very day. 

I am very well aware that the right thing to (always) do in this situation, it is to clench my teeth and let go. 

Can I bear to? Can I bear to? Can I bear to? 

How foolish.