Wake up to the sound of your(my) fleeting heart

One year on, and I am still writing about the same subject. 10 years on, and I am still playing the same songs. 

Tool

Today, I caught myself wiping away tears in secret because I did not want anyone to witness it.

It feels like a gaping hole sometimes. 

I am listening to songs that were played in repeat right at the beginning - when I was still figuring out what was happening. The apprehensiveness and the excitement of everything. And now, when I replay these songs - I feel a twist in my heart because after everything that has been said and done... 

I am just a tool to fill your void but you just wouldn't admit it. 

Time

 Time will tell. 

I was full of hate last night and utterly irrational. Today morning, I carried a little of hate and I carried a little irrational with me. All the things I am doing... is it worth it? Tho I recon there will never be a good outcome if we measured things in a black and white scale. If its worth it then I will do it. If not, then I will not. 

Cause sometimes even when it is worth every inch of you, sometimes it may not be enough. I may not know what I am talking about in the years to come. Some days I fear I forget why I exist and I forget my purpose. 

Yes, I am heartbroken in a way I can't tell anybody. I can't share the extent how much this hurts. I can only keep on smiling. And when I said I was not deluded, it was a lie. Nobody knows because she's right - I am that good a liar. 

Hurt

 I hurt, 

My heart hurts at a degree that I can't fathom. I am looking at myself in the mirror and I am blaming myself and everything and everyone in the world why did I not turn out another way? If I did, IF I DID - then one problem would have at least been solved. 
I never wrote  in my diary with such angst, and hate. But I did today and I hated every word and my very being. Can you feel my despair? Can anyone understand? Can you understand? To be limited because of your existence. 

likewise

 As mentioned more than a year ago, certain songs evoke a kind of emotions in you that you thought you have forgotten. 

I possess a certain kind of sadness when I am alone and she's right when she said, she worries a little when she leaves me alone. 

Because here I am alone - and thinking things that I promised I wouldn't. At the very same time, how can I not be thinking of those things when I am alone? 

It is exactly the reason I think about her that I start to think about other things - things that I know if I brought it up time and time again, it'd be the end of us. 

At the same time, we both know we don't have a future and everyday is every stolen moment. It suits the idealistic side of me when I am in the mood to just think about the events leading up to 23:59 on that very day. 

I am very well aware that the right thing to (always) do in this situation, it is to clench my teeth and let go. 

Can I bear to? Can I bear to? Can I bear to? 

How foolish.

Dreams

There are certain songs that evokes a certain kind of feeling within you. Like, the title of this post - it takes me back to a place where I was just sitting in my room and embracing the music that surrounded me. There might have been wine, and there might have been my sister commenting on something. There might have also been me in the background just nodding my head noncommittally cause I just wasn't paying too much attention to the words coming out of her mouth cause I was most likely on my phone.

This memory wasn't too long ago. Maybe late last year. But with how things are moving at a fast pace, sometimes what happened just yesterday felt like years ago.

And then there's the song named blue where there's no particular memory playing back as the song goes on. But you relate to the song and then now as you listen to the music and soak it in, this memory of you relating to the music will be the memory you play back in the multiple playbacks that is to come. 

New faces, I'm racin'
I'm fine but I'll never make it home
Sixth street for the occasion
Can't take all of the changes
Blue moon, in different phases
Blue moon, in different places

Just (very) impolite

It's like there's this hazy feeling, and I am just... tired. And I don't really know what to do or say either.

I just don't want to have to answer to anyone.

Hello 2020

Sometimes when I look back at my old posts, I can hear my younger self speaking.

And maybe when I look back at this in 10 years time, I will hear this - right now, speaking right back to me.

I was saying that I felt odd when I read older posts. I cannot describe the feeling because while you can remember (if this is related to your own posts), it is like - oh, you really felt that way? It is not necessarily a bad thing because our past made us who we are right now. Whether or not you remember at the tip of your fingers or if it is at the back of your head.

Sometimes when I look at myself in the mirror, I see my past self looking back at me too. The young child like wonder in those eyes whom never refused to grow up. Never wanted to conform. It is like we are but are we? She is asking me, why are you this way? I never pictured you to be this way. To be very very very honest, it has never ever once crossed my mind that I would be smoking and drinking. And at the same time, I will be saying - that's because you did not know all this back then. Oh - young sweet thing, I am sorry to have tainted you.

This blog has been with me for a decade. And intermittently while working earlier, I found myself scrolling through past pages and remembering how it felt back then. I have drifted away from most that I have mentioned and they are now, someone I used to know. And that is life how is too, isn't it? People come and people go. The people that are meant to stay, will always stay. We have all moved on.

And like I said, this blog has been with me for a decade. It has been with me through some really dark times, and it has been with me through some really confusing times and happy times. And right now, I am over the teenage angst and more of the tired working adult that has just started 2020, what with a slogan that repeats "same shit, different day". My older colleague made a casual remark, "this is a sign that you are old now". But I am only turning 29 this year (ha! a far cry from when I started this blog).

There's this younger part of me that is still screaming - "but life isn't supposed to be this way! It is supposed to be more than that!" but then there's the older - jaded - self that says, "maybe this is exactly where the rabbit hole ends, Bird. You thought there was more to wonderland, but maybe this is all there is to it. And there isn't anything more so don't hold out for anything more to save yourself from further misery."

Different renditions of past favourite songs are playing from my speakers right now. And maybe that is how life is in a sense. You replay same scenarios in different settings hoping for a different ending.

I want to go through the new year, celebrating the new year and not one year closer to death. Because with the aging population and what with the jaded sense in the air, I felt my flame dying out a little.

Huh.

Strange - I just felt like I said goodbye to my younger self as I took a closer look at my bedroom. I used to have a star, there was no tv, what used to be my desk is now my cabinet. What used to be orange walls with buildings is now white washed walls. What used to be two super single beds is now a queen bed. What used to be two red large cushions is now a desk. What used to be me thinking about whether I should run tomorrow is now me thinking I should be really getting to bed so I can concentrate at work.

hi