Hello 2020

Sometimes when I look back at my old posts, I can hear my younger self speaking.

And maybe when I look back at this in 10 years time, I will hear this - right now, speaking right back to me.

I was saying that I felt odd when I read older posts. I cannot describe the feeling because while you can remember (if this is related to your own posts), it is like - oh, you really felt that way? It is not necessarily a bad thing because our past made us who we are right now. Whether or not you remember at the tip of your fingers or if it is at the back of your head.

Sometimes when I look at myself in the mirror, I see my past self looking back at me too. The young child like wonder in those eyes whom never refused to grow up. Never wanted to conform. It is like we are but are we? She is asking me, why are you this way? I never pictured you to be this way. To be very very very honest, it has never ever once crossed my mind that I would be smoking and drinking. And at the same time, I will be saying - that's because you did not know all this back then. Oh - young sweet thing, I am sorry to have tainted you.

This blog has been with me for a decade. And intermittently while working earlier, I found myself scrolling through past pages and remembering how it felt back then. I have drifted away from most that I have mentioned and they are now, someone I used to know. And that is life how is too, isn't it? People come and people go. The people that are meant to stay, will always stay. We have all moved on.

And like I said, this blog has been with me for a decade. It has been with me through some really dark times, and it has been with me through some really confusing times and happy times. And right now, I am over the teenage angst and more of the tired working adult that has just started 2020, what with a slogan that repeats "same shit, different day". My older colleague made a casual remark, "this is a sign that you are old now". But I am only turning 29 this year (ha! a far cry from when I started this blog).

There's this younger part of me that is still screaming - "but life isn't supposed to be this way! It is supposed to be more than that!" but then there's the older - jaded - self that says, "maybe this is exactly where the rabbit hole ends, Bird. You thought there was more to wonderland, but maybe this is all there is to it. And there isn't anything more so don't hold out for anything more to save yourself from further misery."

Different renditions of past favourite songs are playing from my speakers right now. And maybe that is how life is in a sense. You replay same scenarios in different settings hoping for a different ending.

I want to go through the new year, celebrating the new year and not one year closer to death. Because with the aging population and what with the jaded sense in the air, I felt my flame dying out a little.

Huh.

Strange - I just felt like I said goodbye to my younger self as I took a closer look at my bedroom. I used to have a star, there was no tv, what used to be my desk is now my cabinet. What used to be orange walls with buildings is now white washed walls. What used to be two super single beds is now a queen bed. What used to be two red large cushions is now a desk. What used to be me thinking about whether I should run tomorrow is now me thinking I should be really getting to bed so I can concentrate at work.