The Wire

Well,  if this isn't the first time I'm typing out something on my phone...  

I pulled my back muscle the other day. Can't decide if I should say it as such since it usually takes ages to recover and now I'm not feeling too bad. But anyway, point is, I injured it the other day and I swear, you never realise what you've got on you before you kinda lose it. I did not lose my back, but I have never really considered the importance of it (yes I know).. Like I didn't think it'll hurt so much with a minor strain. I could barely get off my bed, or put on my pants. I needed the wall to support me. And even a simple task such as retrieving something from a lower drawer had me cringing. 

W

O

W

And, I couldn't lie on my bed being a baby about it either cause inactivity makes it worse. Yeah, I found that out the hard way. I've always been more mindful of my legs, but now I definitely possess a whole new level of appreciation for my back. I know, I know, the back.. Your spinal cord plays like one of the hugest part of your body functions. But really, it's always something that huge an importance that makes you just overlook it's importance really, or basically underestimate it. 

I'm all better now, and I think the back strain came at a good time as any. I paused my gym membership (because of that damn fine) to save some cash and taking the opportunity to enjoy the sun..  I found myself taking time to enjoy life just a little more. I went out for walks, and yesterday found me trekking a familiar route (but still getting lost anyway) and stumbled upon royal Park. 

I think I'd love to do it again. Maybe over the weekend or smth, not that sure. We will see. 

I don't really know how much I've typed above. I can only see like ¹\¹00 of how the length but who cares?  

I am sitting downstairs my block having a cuppa, enjoying the warmer weather today. And I've really really decided to go back. I don't wish to be apart from my family anymore. 

Mmm. 

Now I just need to remember that sentiment whenever I get pissed off.

I do wish to thank God for giving me life. Hahaha. Random. 

But thankful, that's how I wanna live for the rest of my life. 

let me feel your fire

I wonder how it'll be like this time next year.

Will I be working in a job I actually enjoy? Will I be the same as how I am? Will I be feeling the same as how I am feeling at this time of the year?

I wonder, I wonder.

I feel like the longer I work at my current work place, the more I feel undervalued, and I feel like my knowledge of what I actually learnt in uni is slowly dwindling. I am slowly being overcome by insecurities, my fears and my inadequacies.

It's always so easy to surrender to those feelings. But I must remember that this isn't my battle to fight. If there's a battle, it isn't mine to fight. Although if there is a battle to be fought, it had already been fought for and won. And now, all I really need to do is claim my victory.

Now, I just have to remember all this on a daily basis. As I say, it is always so easy to fall into a self deprecating stance, but I know, I know, the battle has already been won and now I just need to claim My victory.

That being said, I got my infringement notice just today. If only they work fast in everything else... (obviously still not over the fine.)

My whole body is aching, and I really just want to merge with my bed and not move for an entire day.

I actually can't wait to get back to my family in Singapore. I know there'll be days where I really wish I am back here because there is this sense of serenity that Singapore just can't replicate.. and my room is really just not my room back there. ..but as I told my mother a few days back, home isn't quite so home here without them.

definitely still not over the fine

strong in the broken places

I have 10001 books to read, but I am still fresh from jumping one ship to another (hahahaha). Fan fiction be the bane of my existence, or rather the existence of my literature mind.

Went out last night, and I mentioned that the timing and the weather surrounding the outing is a measurement of how much I actually treasure/love/whatever the person because as a rule of thumb, you don't see me outside after dark (during winter only) and when it's raining, of course you wouldn't because it means it is colder than it usually is (again during winter only).

(I still can't get over the fine like to be honest with anyone or my future self)

So we all went out last night to meet one of Jay's friend, one whom I met earlier this year. Jodi and I started talking and I mentioned that our dream here was so much like the much talked about American dream in the past. We were all (too) optimistic about the job prospects here, the life we intended to live and here we are, scrimmaging from day to day, hoping our work covers for the roof above our head, our stomachs and everything else included. I don't think I regret it at all, but if anything, I am tired of the life here where my life hangs on the balance on the number of hours I get each week.

I had a fighting spirit but with each day that passes, I feel a little more out of wear and it almost feels like I am fighting a losing battle.

AND LET'S NOT FORGET THE ABSOLUTE BITTERNESS OF HAVING A FINE WHEN I AM ALREADY JUST BARELY SCRAPING THROUGH.

...

I think maybe the point of this entry today is to rant about my bitterness. I think it's gonna be in my head till the infringement notice comes and 28 days passes thereafter.

On a sidenote, Jay was really sweet. She offered to lend me some money and bought me chocolates. But I don't think I want to accept any help especially when it's something that I could have easily circumvented by crossing the road to rid of that damned cigarette butt.

How do I break this news to my mother? "Hi Mother, just to let you know, no worries there, but I got caught littering just the other day. Oh no biggie, the amount is but only 300 dollars. Maybe more, maybe less. Can I go back now?"

But honestly, I never knew that they had a fine imposed on littering. I've been here for at least 5 years, 4 of which I was smoking I think, and never once in the whole entire time where I flung my cigarette butt all around that I got caught. And to be really honest, I thought I was doing the firemen a favour because their bins catches fire so easily with them lighted butts and seeing a huge ass fire engine in the background with 2 firemen in their full uniform putting out a fire..... in a bin...

Honest to God, I just thought that throwing it on the ground was less likely to catch a fire that would wipe out a city.

I guess not.

But of course. 300 fine for that ignorance.











SOBS

Natural Disaster

Remember how I thought that my mom was telepathic? Turns out half the population turned out to be pretty telepathic - in the sense that my dad texted me asking about my wellbeing, my oldest sister also messaging me asking about my wellbeing and admitting to having thought about me those few days. Then another friend texts me as well...

It's almost strange because we can all go on for a few months with absolutely no contact (and I actually am okay during those periods) and then the time swings by where I felt absolutely low and lousy, and suddenly an influx of messages arrives. Maybe it's not exactly telepathy... maybe it's an unknown pull or something. I actually think I know what that is.

So, I want to commemorate today since I got a fucking fine for littering. I absolutely had no idea that we get fined here, and yes, it's totally my fault that I got fined but yeah, I seriously had no idea otherwise I would have totally been more cautious about it. Alas, I got fined not only for my laziness but also my ignorance of the law of where I wanted to stay.

I think everything is just pushing me to leave, leave, leave and leave. I wonder if I will ever get to stay in a place where it's cold and all I want to do is curl up by the fire. Ha ha ha and then fast forward to the thoughts of me just not liking the cold That much... because it hinders me from going to the gym (cause seriously, when it's so cold, the last thing you want to do is get out of your comfort zone - that is the house).

Anyway, just in case the future me forgets in a year to come. Please don't forget that you like the show The 100 and if you haven't watched the 3rd season, I hope you do soon. Or if the time has come for the last season, you better be watching all of it. I DO NOT CARE HOW BUSY YOU ARE.

Go out a little less.

On the other note, I am so broke. But I do believe things will turn out for the better for me.

....


300$ fine for littering. I H8 MYSELF SO MUCH.

I am starting to think my mother has a little bit of telepathy in her or something. There were days where I just did not contact her, or anything, but mostly due to because of my workload and study load and she did not really question my disappearance. It was only the past two weeks, where I just didn't feel like talking that she questioned my whereabouts, what was I up to.

And she had my older sister ask me if I was okay when I simply just did not feel like replying then. I felt bad when I finally replied when my mother told me she fell sick during the week and she wondered about me.

It made me wonder if our physical distance made us closer, and if and when I go back, would I still be as aware of her wellbeing and daily events as I am now?

My heart took a little dive when my mother also told me she put in some money in my bank account just in case I run out of it soon.

Pah!