黄昏

Is anyone reading this?

h

e

What do I say?

What do I say??

What do I say???

"I made a mistake and I am continuing to make the same mistake."

-- 

l

Am I the only one that sees myself as truly incapable of doing something right or does everyone sees it in me to be doing everything right? 

 

-- 

p

What do I tell everyone?

On top of everything else, I am so sorry for I have disappointed you. All of you. I know everyone has/had high hopes for me because before me there was this, before that there was that... and then it's me now.  and I don't know what to say. 

I think I have disappointed myself the most and here I am, still trying to escape. 

--

.

cause and effect

I remember the first defeatist thought in my life - the one where I was leading but I was afraid and it let to... me not wanting to try harder or maintain the status quo because I was afraid of trying so hard only to fail in the end. And I can remember the exact same sequence and what happened and where it was and how I felt exactly.

And for some reason, I feel like this attitude has stuck around somewhat. The whole idea of just giving up before you actually go in further or putting in your best efforts and knowing that you did and losing it all despite all your best efforts and good intentions.

Anyhow, I am simply tired so don't mind me.

don't read, don't read.

They always say it does - but does it? Do everything matter in the end? We came with nothing, we leave with nothing.

I am usually on the brighter end of the spectrum but when you hear people comparing... and when you have already been trying to work yourself up here and then suddenly you feel like it's like you're at the top of the stack and someone removes one plank, and someone removes the next, and someone removes the next - and you just feel like a tile ready to fall into a pile of mess.

I ran till my chest couldn't take it any further and I also wonder if I stopped smoking, would I be better?

Don't read, don't read.

forever free

It's okay, we don't have to fix it now. 

I am physically tired - and well, I guess it contradicts the title of this.

I think I am okay generally, but sometimes like weird things and weird thoughts just makes me feel weird and then all of a sudden it feels like I have been thrown a curveball and it slapped me right across my face.

And then I gather my thoughts and stop myself from letting the negative thoughts take hold. It's hard, it's hard but I am trying.

And, surely that is better than nothing?

1%

Oh, but don't give much thought to the title because it's just a song that I have been listening to on loop.

And - clearly, after saying it all out, I realised how stupid the previous post sounded. Because if we were all just a little bit more upfront, a little bit more honest and a little bit more forthcoming - then we would have all saved ourselves that tiny bit of confusion and the heartache and the unnecessary insecurities that shouldn't have been brought up to the surface if we all just said something.

But that is the hardest part too, isn't it?

I had a head full of words (as per usual), and I really want to let you know - but I think I will leave this place with this first.

If you were an ice cream flavour, I'd pick you to be chocolate chip.

And it hits you out of nowhere. You didn't mean to see it, but you did. You don't mean to be affected, but you are. You really don't want to remember - and you actually successfully forget about it sometimes - but it hits you out of nowhere and then you're not sure.

It's okay, it's okay, it's okay. 

You don't really know what to say because it wasn't meant for you to see and you don't really want to ask because you don't really want to know the answer either and you're just so good at telling yourself certain things. 

It's okay, it's okay, it's okay. 

And then you're convincing yourself every time you think about it - it's okay, it's okay, it's okay. They're not the same. They're two different things (or people). Time. And time. And time.

But you remember that sinking feeling, don't you? Even though the years have passed and the cast of the storybook movie has changed - but the sinking feeling stays. You tell yourself, no. But your heart.

Be on guard.

It's okay, it's okay, it's okay. 

Be on guard. Cause if you're not protecting yourself, then who will? 

baby, don't worry now

No, we will never know.

I shouldn't ever wear white because I stain them when I'm not careful. Likewise, I shouldn't have something (or someone) because then I will hurt it (or them) even if I don't mean to.

Unless I am extra careful - because after all, I don't stain all my white t shirts, do I?

interlude

I have been meaning to come back here to say something - considering the last post was 29 September 2018 and a lot of things have changed since then.

It felt like a lifetime ago, whatever that happened and the person I was back then at that point of time felt like someone else entirely. All the things I complained about, all the thoughts I had on a daily basis just feels so foreign now when I think about it.

I had a lot of words prior to this - but I think I just have to live with these words: I can't choose you if you don't.

Goodnight sunshine.