REALiTi

My dad picks the worst timing to ever talk about how many more years he most likely have before he lets out his final breath. ... Then again, is there ever a right time with me? I detested spending alone time with my father because you never know what comes out of his mouth next. 

Imagine, a 5 years old me crawling up to my dad in bed for a snuggle in the morning and he tells me he isn't young anymore and he was going to die. It was somewhat the truth, I knew that - and maybe that was why I hated it so much because I was utterly helpless. 

My dad mentioned it again while he was here. I might be much older now but the emotions stirred up from within is still the same. I looked away. I stayed quiet, I refused to look at anyone in the eye because I was afraid of being caught with a vulnerable soul laid out there in a crowded place. 

My parents are still here with me in the sense that they haven't died but they have gone back and I'm here. If I'm already feeling this empty with just their temporary departure, how am I going to remain strong when we say our final goodbyes?

I don't think I can ever really bring myself to mean to say I did all I can, I treasured their presence and everything because if I did, I wouldn't be going against the current and staying apart from them. 

When I came to that conclusion, for some reason I feel like I answered the question that plagued my entire stay here. 

It was my mother's 60th birthday last week. I didn't realise it until I wished her, that 15 years have gone by since the last time I remembered her age in my head. For the longest time, whenever I think about my mother's age (or even if someone asks me), the number 45 comes up. Not exactly sure why, but I am gonna pin it all on because that was about the last time I asked her age.... which means I was 9 then.

Time flies, and it's been 5 years or so since I've spent her birthday in person with her. For those times I was here, it was either a phone call or a text. This year, I got to wish her in person. It was nothing dramatic at all, we were just lying in bed doing our own things when I turned to my side to greet her. The way it happened was as though we were simply talking about where we were going the next morning - like an everyday event. Nonetheless, I got up early the next day to buy some presents and cakes. I wanted to take her out for dinner but her words - as always - were, "Wait till you start working."

So my dad came over too and I (officially) graduated the next day. It was a long time coming, and all my thoughts were... why was I doing this? Sure, it could be a one time life event, seeing as how I am most probably not gonna be studying anymore. To me, it felt like just a certificate or something. Putting on a gown, going on stage.. all that stuff. It almost felt like a drag, and I was afraid of going up on stage that when there was a very high chance that I might miss the whole ceremony, I was partially relieved.

I remember coming out of the place with this unfamiliar piece of clothing on my head and body, and walking over to my parents. (They looked so out of place, yet they were the only thing familiar to me). Both my parents' faces lit up, and I suddenly realised that this whole graduation ceremony was for them. To see them that happy, I felt utterly happy too and I felt like I finally did something right in my life. Whatever stage fear I had, it all melted away because that gave me a sense of confidence that just being here, everything was right and nothing could go wrong. And, all those times I felt like a burden was gone.

Nothing went wrong. The ceremony happened, and we headed back. My dad holding on my certificate like a prized possession, my mom being in high spirits. It was possibly one of the happiest days in my life - seeing my parents that happy, and knowing I was the reason for all of that. I don't think anything else can ever top that.

So there's that.

(I have graduated!!!!!)

mothership arrives

I can't decide if the recent 'depletion with no replenishing option yet' event was a good thing. It sucks because I find myself more restrained than ever, but at the same time, I am looking at things in a totally different way. I did not buy things as readily as before, because it came down to a question of "Is this a want or a need?"

Yes, I guess it made me more thrifty (which is always a good thing).

I was clearing out my room the other day, and then I realised how reluctant I am to throw shit away. There's always a reason for something to stay, "This sock was given to me by mom, doesn't matter if it's about 6 years old. No holes, no go."

I used to call my dad a hoarder, but I am starting to see why certain things just can't go as easily. I am keeping all these things given by my folks because Lord knows when a particular item would be their last and I wanna keep every single thing. I guess we are all sentimental like that.

On another note, my mother will be arriving in 12 hours!

sentimental

It's always the case where I find myself with too much words to say that I needed to pen it down and when I finally get down to it, my mind fails me. 

It's that way right now. Earlier, I wanted to write the things I would have if I had a proper diary to write it down but now even then, I can't find the words to express my thoughts. 

A month and more has passed ever since I came over to forge a new life. Except, right now, with no legal rights given to work, I can't do anything else but sit back and play (and wait for my visa to be granted). That would have been a very welcoming description of a life to choose except it sucks if you only have money flowing out of you rather than incoming. My mother is coming over in a matter of days, and I have absolutely no idea on how am I gonna break it to her that the money she gave me... they're slowly but surely finishing. 

This morning, I woke up with the smell of (specifically, fried) food in my room. In between slumber and conscious state, I thought I was back in Singapore for a while. In a few moments, I imagined I would hear my mom knocking on my door to wake me up. Later, I would hear my dad calling everyone else to come and eat. I would pull myself awake and get out - to be greeted by the familiar humidity in the air and my dad sitting there with the wooden chopsticks clasped in his hands. He would smile that familiar grin and tell me to "Come eat". My mom would be going back and fro from the kitchen to the dining table carrying different types of food she prepared with each trip. 

I know my answer would always be, "Don't want, I am going out for a run." But today, just today, I would have traded anything to just be greeted with that familiar scene and instead say, "Let me brush my teeth first." 

I am 24 now. Nothing's changed except for the number of years I've lived. 

01

As I lay here on this bed I've been missing for the past month... I feel an anchor. If it did not feel right to stay, then why do I find myself wishing I was someplace else tonight? Is this a feeling I always had and did not acknowledge or am I just different this time around?

I genuinely thought I had nothing much to say, or nothing left to say. It was only when I stared out of the window last night as the plane rolled out of its bay that I realised I still had tears to shed along with words of honesty.

I don't particularly wish for someone else there to hear me out. More than anything, I wish I was there to hear me out.

Hold back the river, let me look into your eyes

I'm still here.

Now it feels like I've overstayed my welcome in this place. It feels weird - almost scary how I can switch from one end to the other.

About 4 years on

Almost 4 years have passed since I last blogged here. I wish I could truly mean it when I say I am a different person as before - but looking at past posts... the only thing that changed is the date on the calendar and my age. I'm still the - emotionally stunted - person as before. 

Sometimes I wish I could pack my feelings into boxes, categorize them and take them out only when it's appropriate. Then again, maybe not. 

Maybe one day I'll come back a better (different) person. 

the show is over

i'm the kind of person that wishes for smth to happen and when it finally happens, i wonder why did i even wish it in the first place. take my current situation now. i kinda missed being sick and now that i am, i am feeling hot and cold and nauseous and sane all at the same time.
today, someone had an intention of passing me medicine and even if the medicine never got to me, i felt like that someone passed me the medicine anyway. its the thought that counts right? k. my dog just conveniently placed his ass in my face. goodnight im going to merge with me bed.

Hi Charis, I may be miles away from you, but yknw, I'm always here for you, whenever you need me to. A few more months till we hang out at my playground ok? This time we will arrange an earlier timing so I won't be so tired out and my mom wouldn't be an unhappy bitch and my flight wouldn't be the next day. Dk what else to give you, but I guess a virtual kiss on yr forehead? It will be okay.
:)

p.s. we are going to have an awesomeeeee christmas, wait for me!

I wonder what is it like from yr point of view, what is really going thru yr head. And I know I have to be on my toes most of the time now, bcos if I let slip anything, I will fall back. I had this long essay typewritten out in my head, but I'm thinking, it's not right. I just finished time traveler's wife, I feel like a friend of mine died. I don't always feel that. You're the book I never wanted to finish but I had to anyway even if I really hated the way it ended. I'm back to thoughts being all over the place, bcos right now, my mind can't just stay in one place, in one timezone. And I'm going to ikea tmr, rmb to get the bed thingy for stephy and ironing board for charissa. I need to go for a run tmr, bcos it is the only thing I found constant, to keep me sane. I'm not sad.

"Don't you think it's better to be extremely happy for a short while, even if you lose it, than to be just okay for your whole life?"

My posts do not necessarily mean it is directed to anyone that reads this. But anyway, here's one fo'sure. From my pov, when you start anything with someone new, start with a clean start. Try as you might to not have any soft spots for anyone else, bcos if you do, it's more than likely going to hinder anything you're going to have. Well for me at least, I don't think I can start to really feel anything for someone else if I still have someone I have a soft spot for.

I am surprised by how calm I dealt with reality now that I am back, obviously there is still this wooooooooahouch feeling but yknw, I'm happy if you are. And I'm happy if you are. That's for anyone and everyone that I care about unless you're the indian that stays opposite me or the china lady behind the store bcos well, I don't exactly care whether you're dead or alive.

Ok. Shall try to stop being racist, since there is an increasing number of indians involved in conversations I'm having with people and I met a really friendly indian earlier.
But for now. .. . . . . ...
I shall go running, I love running. Literally. Not figuratively. And I miss my friends.

I'm ready to go, I'm not ready to leave.

So right now, I'm doing what I do best currently. I'm reading(listening) to what someone else has to say. I'm just thinking.. If I listened a bit more and not run away a few years back, you might have been different and not how you are right now. I talk about you like you don't matter but. You do. I still have this feeling that you turned out this way bcos of me and right now .. I guess I'm being selfish by avoiding you altogether now.

I'm leaving tonight for another 6 months, it's nice to know that people I have hung out with almost everyday since I came back are going to miss me when I'm gone even if it's just 6 months. And as for you, you don't even know I came back and I would like to leave it that way. I guess, I still miss how you used to be even if it was a long time ago.

1. "it's not that I like her that I am excited, I just want to know how is she doing"
2. Be careful, if you're not too good in playing the game, you might just get yr fingers burnt.
3. ouch.

I like changes, but not all the time. I like twists in a story, but not this one. I like a book, but I don't like it if the author gets confused and changes the direction of where the story is going every other time. The last time I was here, everything was almost perfect. I had my room, with my star up there, I had the time of my life and my father still had his complete set of teeth (haha). I think I like it here bcos it's a vacation get away from Melbourne. And I have lost whatever that was in my head.

Approximately one more week till I head back.

This is really confusing. But. Actually. Nothing has changed, we just got a clearer view of what we really want.

So hi 2011. You have brought me happiness and frustration thus far but it's okay, I went to church today and I believe good things will happen.
2011, I'm turning 20 in a foreign land and chances are, I will be too when I turn 21. Home hasn't exactly been an ideal environment since my return but it's the closest I can get. And thank you for making the end of 2010 sweet and fun. You have been of great company to me and I adore you more than just a little. It's too early for me to say anything other than PUKA, but one can only hope. You're different and I wasn't kidding.

If you saw things thru my eyes, you would knw how scared I am to cross this line.
Idk how my 98% seriousness faded off to .... Right now, you just can't seem to leave my mind. But it just doesn't feel right, esp when he's my good friend who obviously still wants you back. And somehow, I feel like I should be moping around for a bit more and you too. But then again, I feel like it's just it. I can make things for the best, I can be yr happily ever after for now. I'm looking at you in another way I didn't use to, I'm feeling smth somewhat stronger from the past. But I'm scared to. I'm so scared I'll screw this up and this time, I'll lose you fo'real.
......
I just feel like hiding in a hole.

the time is now

There’s always a difference between having a girlfriend, even if you guys communicate less than 10 sentences a day and argue for that 9 sentences, and not having one. Even if you two have been arguing and quarreling, there is this invisible string/thread that ties the both of you to each other and no matter how thin the thread has become bcos of how much you two have faded.. It’s still there so long you both knw that you two are still in it.

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I can feel the heartache coming on, the familiar heartache everytime smth unpleasant happens to us. Can’t deny that I am a little relieved bcos it’s true we have been going on like this for a while and it’s causing more than just a bit of strain. Can’t say the same to how much I/’ll miss you bcos you have indeed been a huge part of my life and you have indeed been the hardest I’ve fought for. I still don’t knw how I agreed to put myself thru so much for someone I couldn’t really see the first time I saw her. But, thank you bcos.. You have opened up a side of me I never thought I would ever again. I did not have much but I gave you the best of me. You kinda showed me that one can still love someone even no matter how ugly the past was. We had our differences all along but those differences showed up at the later stage bcos we didn’t want to compromise. We were the best but we lost ourselves along the way. I guess I wanted to feel like I could be the one you change for, not so much of bcos I couldn’t accept who you really are.

I may have strayed in my thoughts, my eyes, but my heart was yrs to keep right from the start. You were the queen of my heart.

I reckon we would might have been able to work out if we had been older, promises of forever and always would have been easier to keep and we would have dealt our differences with a higher level of maturity. Or at least for me. We are young, I am young, but I meant it anyway when I asked if you would marry me.

Thank you for keeping my heart in a safe place for the past 2years. Here’s yours, keep it safe, give it to someone that will treat it better than I did.

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But once you guys agree that you two are done, the string snaps that second you two say yr goodbyes.

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For now.

I guess all I’m really saying is .. We are done.

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Take care.

Love, Me.