I am starting to think my mother has a little bit of telepathy in her or something. There were days where I just did not contact her, or anything, but mostly due to because of my workload and study load and she did not really question my disappearance. It was only the past two weeks, where I just didn't feel like talking that she questioned my whereabouts, what was I up to.

And she had my older sister ask me if I was okay when I simply just did not feel like replying then. I felt bad when I finally replied when my mother told me she fell sick during the week and she wondered about me.

It made me wonder if our physical distance made us closer, and if and when I go back, would I still be as aware of her wellbeing and daily events as I am now?

My heart took a little dive when my mother also told me she put in some money in my bank account just in case I run out of it soon.

Pah!

hustler

It is almost hilarious - the way I want to leave, when I can do nothing but stay or the way I want to stay, when I can do nothing but leave. 

Lately, I've been feeling a little too constricted in this space. It almost feels like I am trapped and I hated that feeling. I felt like I was on a highway, and having just missed my exit.. I have to wait for the next one. 

Of course, nobody really gets how my brain works. Here's a tip, nobody really understand themselves anyway. 

I don't really feel like talking to anyone, not anybody that's not here. I am too far, and I just feel so disconnected and irrelevant. 

I realize I just wanted to write, write something, write something and keep it somewhere. I miss writing, like the traditional way of actually writing something down. Alas, I haven't found a book I wanna write in. But here isn't that bad either, it makes up for less baggage when the time comes where I have to leave this place. Figuratively, and literally speaking. 

I am mostly tired of working for other people, having my life subjected to their liking and approval. I really want to be my own boss, and lately, I think that's really where my next step should be. I shouldn't be finding a place to fit in, more like finding a place where I don't fit in and invite everyone to fit in with me. 

Ha! 

I am not a follower, but a leader. Not a follower, but a leader. 

Not a follower. 

I am a leader. 

It was like I was in a box, tightly capped. It was a darkness I grew to be comfortable with, a space I was contented with. Nobody could come in, and I wasn't intending to go out either.

Alas.

You opened the lid, and beckoned me to come out. I didn't want to, but you waited, you hung around, and waited for me to stretch out  my hand. You allowed me to grow used to being out in the open like that. It was okay, it was okay to be exposed to the sun, to the fresh air. It almost felt like I belonged.

Now, as I sit inside the box again, with the lid opened this time - I think about you, and how you pulled me out.

It was a dark place there, wherever I was at.

You brought me out, just by being there.

REALiTi

My dad picks the worst timing to ever talk about how many more years he most likely have before he lets out his final breath. ... Then again, is there ever a right time with me? I detested spending alone time with my father because you never know what comes out of his mouth next. 

Imagine, a 5 years old me crawling up to my dad in bed for a snuggle in the morning and he tells me he isn't young anymore and he was going to die. It was somewhat the truth, I knew that - and maybe that was why I hated it so much because I was utterly helpless. 

My dad mentioned it again while he was here. I might be much older now but the emotions stirred up from within is still the same. I looked away. I stayed quiet, I refused to look at anyone in the eye because I was afraid of being caught with a vulnerable soul laid out there in a crowded place. 

My parents are still here with me in the sense that they haven't died but they have gone back and I'm here. If I'm already feeling this empty with just their temporary departure, how am I going to remain strong when we say our final goodbyes?

I don't think I can ever really bring myself to mean to say I did all I can, I treasured their presence and everything because if I did, I wouldn't be going against the current and staying apart from them. 

When I came to that conclusion, for some reason I feel like I answered the question that plagued my entire stay here. 

It was my mother's 60th birthday last week. I didn't realise it until I wished her, that 15 years have gone by since the last time I remembered her age in my head. For the longest time, whenever I think about my mother's age (or even if someone asks me), the number 45 comes up. Not exactly sure why, but I am gonna pin it all on because that was about the last time I asked her age.... which means I was 9 then.

Time flies, and it's been 5 years or so since I've spent her birthday in person with her. For those times I was here, it was either a phone call or a text. This year, I got to wish her in person. It was nothing dramatic at all, we were just lying in bed doing our own things when I turned to my side to greet her. The way it happened was as though we were simply talking about where we were going the next morning - like an everyday event. Nonetheless, I got up early the next day to buy some presents and cakes. I wanted to take her out for dinner but her words - as always - were, "Wait till you start working."

So my dad came over too and I (officially) graduated the next day. It was a long time coming, and all my thoughts were... why was I doing this? Sure, it could be a one time life event, seeing as how I am most probably not gonna be studying anymore. To me, it felt like just a certificate or something. Putting on a gown, going on stage.. all that stuff. It almost felt like a drag, and I was afraid of going up on stage that when there was a very high chance that I might miss the whole ceremony, I was partially relieved.

I remember coming out of the place with this unfamiliar piece of clothing on my head and body, and walking over to my parents. (They looked so out of place, yet they were the only thing familiar to me). Both my parents' faces lit up, and I suddenly realised that this whole graduation ceremony was for them. To see them that happy, I felt utterly happy too and I felt like I finally did something right in my life. Whatever stage fear I had, it all melted away because that gave me a sense of confidence that just being here, everything was right and nothing could go wrong. And, all those times I felt like a burden was gone.

Nothing went wrong. The ceremony happened, and we headed back. My dad holding on my certificate like a prized possession, my mom being in high spirits. It was possibly one of the happiest days in my life - seeing my parents that happy, and knowing I was the reason for all of that. I don't think anything else can ever top that.

So there's that.

(I have graduated!!!!!)

mothership arrives

I can't decide if the recent 'depletion with no replenishing option yet' event was a good thing. It sucks because I find myself more restrained than ever, but at the same time, I am looking at things in a totally different way. I did not buy things as readily as before, because it came down to a question of "Is this a want or a need?"

Yes, I guess it made me more thrifty (which is always a good thing).

I was clearing out my room the other day, and then I realised how reluctant I am to throw shit away. There's always a reason for something to stay, "This sock was given to me by mom, doesn't matter if it's about 6 years old. No holes, no go."

I used to call my dad a hoarder, but I am starting to see why certain things just can't go as easily. I am keeping all these things given by my folks because Lord knows when a particular item would be their last and I wanna keep every single thing. I guess we are all sentimental like that.

On another note, my mother will be arriving in 12 hours!

sentimental

It's always the case where I find myself with too much words to say that I needed to pen it down and when I finally get down to it, my mind fails me. 

It's that way right now. Earlier, I wanted to write the things I would have if I had a proper diary to write it down but now even then, I can't find the words to express my thoughts. 

A month and more has passed ever since I came over to forge a new life. Except, right now, with no legal rights given to work, I can't do anything else but sit back and play (and wait for my visa to be granted). That would have been a very welcoming description of a life to choose except it sucks if you only have money flowing out of you rather than incoming. My mother is coming over in a matter of days, and I have absolutely no idea on how am I gonna break it to her that the money she gave me... they're slowly but surely finishing. 

This morning, I woke up with the smell of (specifically, fried) food in my room. In between slumber and conscious state, I thought I was back in Singapore for a while. In a few moments, I imagined I would hear my mom knocking on my door to wake me up. Later, I would hear my dad calling everyone else to come and eat. I would pull myself awake and get out - to be greeted by the familiar humidity in the air and my dad sitting there with the wooden chopsticks clasped in his hands. He would smile that familiar grin and tell me to "Come eat". My mom would be going back and fro from the kitchen to the dining table carrying different types of food she prepared with each trip. 

I know my answer would always be, "Don't want, I am going out for a run." But today, just today, I would have traded anything to just be greeted with that familiar scene and instead say, "Let me brush my teeth first." 

I am 24 now. Nothing's changed except for the number of years I've lived. 

01

As I lay here on this bed I've been missing for the past month... I feel an anchor. If it did not feel right to stay, then why do I find myself wishing I was someplace else tonight? Is this a feeling I always had and did not acknowledge or am I just different this time around?

I genuinely thought I had nothing much to say, or nothing left to say. It was only when I stared out of the window last night as the plane rolled out of its bay that I realised I still had tears to shed along with words of honesty.

I don't particularly wish for someone else there to hear me out. More than anything, I wish I was there to hear me out.

Hold back the river, let me look into your eyes

I'm still here.

Now it feels like I've overstayed my welcome in this place. It feels weird - almost scary how I can switch from one end to the other.

About 4 years on

Almost 4 years have passed since I last blogged here. I wish I could truly mean it when I say I am a different person as before - but looking at past posts... the only thing that changed is the date on the calendar and my age. I'm still the - emotionally stunted - person as before. 

Sometimes I wish I could pack my feelings into boxes, categorize them and take them out only when it's appropriate. Then again, maybe not. 

Maybe one day I'll come back a better (different) person. 

the show is over

i'm the kind of person that wishes for smth to happen and when it finally happens, i wonder why did i even wish it in the first place. take my current situation now. i kinda missed being sick and now that i am, i am feeling hot and cold and nauseous and sane all at the same time.
today, someone had an intention of passing me medicine and even if the medicine never got to me, i felt like that someone passed me the medicine anyway. its the thought that counts right? k. my dog just conveniently placed his ass in my face. goodnight im going to merge with me bed.

Hi Charis, I may be miles away from you, but yknw, I'm always here for you, whenever you need me to. A few more months till we hang out at my playground ok? This time we will arrange an earlier timing so I won't be so tired out and my mom wouldn't be an unhappy bitch and my flight wouldn't be the next day. Dk what else to give you, but I guess a virtual kiss on yr forehead? It will be okay.
:)

p.s. we are going to have an awesomeeeee christmas, wait for me!

I wonder what is it like from yr point of view, what is really going thru yr head. And I know I have to be on my toes most of the time now, bcos if I let slip anything, I will fall back. I had this long essay typewritten out in my head, but I'm thinking, it's not right. I just finished time traveler's wife, I feel like a friend of mine died. I don't always feel that. You're the book I never wanted to finish but I had to anyway even if I really hated the way it ended. I'm back to thoughts being all over the place, bcos right now, my mind can't just stay in one place, in one timezone. And I'm going to ikea tmr, rmb to get the bed thingy for stephy and ironing board for charissa. I need to go for a run tmr, bcos it is the only thing I found constant, to keep me sane. I'm not sad.

"Don't you think it's better to be extremely happy for a short while, even if you lose it, than to be just okay for your whole life?"

My posts do not necessarily mean it is directed to anyone that reads this. But anyway, here's one fo'sure. From my pov, when you start anything with someone new, start with a clean start. Try as you might to not have any soft spots for anyone else, bcos if you do, it's more than likely going to hinder anything you're going to have. Well for me at least, I don't think I can start to really feel anything for someone else if I still have someone I have a soft spot for.

I am surprised by how calm I dealt with reality now that I am back, obviously there is still this wooooooooahouch feeling but yknw, I'm happy if you are. And I'm happy if you are. That's for anyone and everyone that I care about unless you're the indian that stays opposite me or the china lady behind the store bcos well, I don't exactly care whether you're dead or alive.

Ok. Shall try to stop being racist, since there is an increasing number of indians involved in conversations I'm having with people and I met a really friendly indian earlier.
But for now. .. . . . . ...
I shall go running, I love running. Literally. Not figuratively. And I miss my friends.

I'm ready to go, I'm not ready to leave.

So right now, I'm doing what I do best currently. I'm reading(listening) to what someone else has to say. I'm just thinking.. If I listened a bit more and not run away a few years back, you might have been different and not how you are right now. I talk about you like you don't matter but. You do. I still have this feeling that you turned out this way bcos of me and right now .. I guess I'm being selfish by avoiding you altogether now.

I'm leaving tonight for another 6 months, it's nice to know that people I have hung out with almost everyday since I came back are going to miss me when I'm gone even if it's just 6 months. And as for you, you don't even know I came back and I would like to leave it that way. I guess, I still miss how you used to be even if it was a long time ago.

1. "it's not that I like her that I am excited, I just want to know how is she doing"
2. Be careful, if you're not too good in playing the game, you might just get yr fingers burnt.
3. ouch.

I like changes, but not all the time. I like twists in a story, but not this one. I like a book, but I don't like it if the author gets confused and changes the direction of where the story is going every other time. The last time I was here, everything was almost perfect. I had my room, with my star up there, I had the time of my life and my father still had his complete set of teeth (haha). I think I like it here bcos it's a vacation get away from Melbourne. And I have lost whatever that was in my head.

Approximately one more week till I head back.

This is really confusing. But. Actually. Nothing has changed, we just got a clearer view of what we really want.

So hi 2011. You have brought me happiness and frustration thus far but it's okay, I went to church today and I believe good things will happen.
2011, I'm turning 20 in a foreign land and chances are, I will be too when I turn 21. Home hasn't exactly been an ideal environment since my return but it's the closest I can get. And thank you for making the end of 2010 sweet and fun. You have been of great company to me and I adore you more than just a little. It's too early for me to say anything other than PUKA, but one can only hope. You're different and I wasn't kidding.

If you saw things thru my eyes, you would knw how scared I am to cross this line.
Idk how my 98% seriousness faded off to .... Right now, you just can't seem to leave my mind. But it just doesn't feel right, esp when he's my good friend who obviously still wants you back. And somehow, I feel like I should be moping around for a bit more and you too. But then again, I feel like it's just it. I can make things for the best, I can be yr happily ever after for now. I'm looking at you in another way I didn't use to, I'm feeling smth somewhat stronger from the past. But I'm scared to. I'm so scared I'll screw this up and this time, I'll lose you fo'real.
......
I just feel like hiding in a hole.

the time is now

There’s always a difference between having a girlfriend, even if you guys communicate less than 10 sentences a day and argue for that 9 sentences, and not having one. Even if you two have been arguing and quarreling, there is this invisible string/thread that ties the both of you to each other and no matter how thin the thread has become bcos of how much you two have faded.. It’s still there so long you both knw that you two are still in it.

-

I can feel the heartache coming on, the familiar heartache everytime smth unpleasant happens to us. Can’t deny that I am a little relieved bcos it’s true we have been going on like this for a while and it’s causing more than just a bit of strain. Can’t say the same to how much I/’ll miss you bcos you have indeed been a huge part of my life and you have indeed been the hardest I’ve fought for. I still don’t knw how I agreed to put myself thru so much for someone I couldn’t really see the first time I saw her. But, thank you bcos.. You have opened up a side of me I never thought I would ever again. I did not have much but I gave you the best of me. You kinda showed me that one can still love someone even no matter how ugly the past was. We had our differences all along but those differences showed up at the later stage bcos we didn’t want to compromise. We were the best but we lost ourselves along the way. I guess I wanted to feel like I could be the one you change for, not so much of bcos I couldn’t accept who you really are.

I may have strayed in my thoughts, my eyes, but my heart was yrs to keep right from the start. You were the queen of my heart.

I reckon we would might have been able to work out if we had been older, promises of forever and always would have been easier to keep and we would have dealt our differences with a higher level of maturity. Or at least for me. We are young, I am young, but I meant it anyway when I asked if you would marry me.

Thank you for keeping my heart in a safe place for the past 2years. Here’s yours, keep it safe, give it to someone that will treat it better than I did.

-

But once you guys agree that you two are done, the string snaps that second you two say yr goodbyes.

-

For now.

I guess all I’m really saying is .. We are done.

-

Take care.

Love, Me.

Last night, I fell in love without you

Whoop so I dreamt you were freaked out by the things I did.
You're asleep and I wonder if you're having a sweet dream. Could be anything in the world..
Yr exams are coming soon, I'm sorry for spilling out on you like that.
Hope yr house issues don't get to you, I promise to help you. All you need to do is rmb that I'm here and I have the ability to help.
I uh, miss you. But lately these iloveyous imissyous are 1/10 in a hundred words we speak to each other.
I guess it bothers me abit that I tweet abt you, I write abt you(not here) and you basically have all the affection for everyone else in the world.

You knw how it feels when you're holding sand and it just slips right out of yr palms?
You're the sand in my palm.

If you're reading this at all, I hope you have a good day today. I kept you in my heart and I hope you never go away.
I love you.

I wish we could fall in love all over again.

TGIF, it's the end of the week. But I have work piling up and exams coming soon .. I feel like I have a lot of time that I'm not using it wisely. I spend it getting my emotions wrecked and let it affect my mind while I'm suppose to be concentrating, I get distracted by technology. I wonder if I am bipolar. I was in a state of I just wanna shower you with all the love I had in the world, but now. I'm in a state of .. I just wanna go for a run and study and run and study and the cycle continues.

So this is locked up or I reckon it is. I wish I could be indifferent to how indifferent you were to me. I'm sorry.

2235

Today felt a tad weird. But anyway. I'm thinking if I should lock this up. Should I?

so, stand close to me, dont sail away baby

I just saw a mother n son on a holiday, makes me feel like having one with my mom. .. Looked back two years ago and realized how different I was from the current me. We used to talk for hours on end, now it is as though whatever we say don't interest each other anymore. Or I could be just as paranoid.

So I got up early, ate my breakfast and cleaned up my house did my chores, spent a good 15 mins solely on playing with my dog. Not alot but still. I haven't got that much homework done as well but I feel a tad more productive bcos I am not so confused over what to do for my essay anymore.

(Hi Sharene Lau, you're abt the only other besides idk who reading this, can't let you knw enuff that you're beautiful to me. And you're my one and only, I love you)

Another week

Today is a new beginning to another week of school. Nothing much really happened except that I feel extremely unproductive today and it's making me feel really guilty.
Thr was this period of time whr I could follow this routine of sleeping at 1030 and getting up for sch, and jog and study. I don't recall myself having any happy/sad moments during that period of time but at least I got things done. I was disciplined, so disciplined. I wonder how I did that, and I really wish I can get that self back but with a little more balance. First up, I shall get up early to exercise and have brekkie and start on my work. I'm really looking forward to going home but I am afraid of the changes I might need to face when I get back. And if you knw me, I don't really like that much changes in my life even if they are good.
Note, don't let insecurities get to you. Another note, trust no one. Third note, rmb all of that.

I knw you can read this from right behind me

But go on. I miss those red cushions in my room where I sit and read stupid blogposts and type equally stupid blogposts that don't matter 2 years ltr. I feel like I've lost all my friends since I came over.And uh. I knw you knw this place now, it's late and sch starts early in the morning for both of us. We should sleep although I am in the mood of going sleepless and force myself to run a long while tmr. I miss the culinary sch in terms of me being so tired, I can't even think. Everyone has their own life period

It's like I was sharing a secret and you eavesdropped.

That book is somewhat like my best friend whom I update every few months. I'm not afraid of what you might find out of what I thought abt you and everyone else. But more like.. You saw into the deepest darkest side of me I've been trying to hide from everyone else. And I'm not proud of that side of me, I am ashamed.

You knew me then, you know me now.

Catch me.

I've got a notion that...

Today isn't going to go very well.
You kinda never knw when's the last time that will happen till it happens. Or rather, when it doesn't happen again.

Ah, it's a Sunday and I feel like slping it away except that I need to be Suwati.
So, have a good day all you bored ppl reading this boring entry! (haha)

No I wasn't awake thru out

Just a while ago, I saw a lizard just outside my room. I panicked and then I unknowingly locked myself out of the room while preventing it from going it into my room.
Smart move.

Ok, fine shut up and goodnight.

Well, hello.

Today was fun, thank you M (:
Now now, time for me to change my bedsheet and go to bed early.

*.*

Today's good. Very good. Hahahaha can't wait for tonight.

11:11

The night's still pretty young and I'm alr packed for sch, almost ready for bed.
Just when I don't need that much of it, I feel like I have all the time in the world now.
My brother's going away tmr for 3months, time's going to fly (like how it always does) and before I knw it, he's going to be back.


Back to square 1

Ah, alright. I think I'm going to slp.
Goodnight, world. Sweet dreamzzz.

Today's a good day

It's 5. I'm done with sch and I've alr taken a nap.
It has been good for today, I got to spend the whole entire time with my favourite 2 (1 was missing). Hahaha hopefully it'd be the same for the whole week....
Nvm, let's all skip sch on fri!!!!! :D

Goodnight.

I got up at 6 plus today to talk to nocturnal animals..... Hahaha. No la I was woken up by the incredibly heavy rain this morning and talked to Steph for a minute or two before I fell back aslp.
So... Today I'm going to cook for my mom. :S
Whooo.. Hoo?

Man, bcos of sch, I'm getting up way earlier than I usually do. And it's perfectly fine with me if I can fall back aslp?
Anywayyyyy, I got to watch benjamin buttons on my new tv last night, awesomeeeeee.

I don't need to be a genius to know

It's finally the end of this rather.. Nauseating week. (TGIF!)
Yeh I fully rmb what I said. But somehow, I think the ride has ended.
It has been a pretty good roller coaster ride, don't you think? But it's probably time for a break.
And hey, don't mind, let me take a detour?
You knw the term: Out of sight, out of mind..
Except that, this can hardly get out of my mind. So, to really take a break, I am going to have to take a different route and not pass this ride; keeping it out of sight will make it less tempting to ride it again.

Whatever it is, today's a good day and I won't let negative emotions ruin it.
I got up rather awake for my exam today and I was there just in timeeee.
I wasn't expecting anything good since I missed ytd's lesson.. But siaaaa laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa I did muchhhh better than expected siaaaaaaaaaaaaaa hahahaha

Whoo, hello weekend!

I can never get used to it

I had a really really queer dream I could have mistaken it for real if not for the weather feeling like HK inside there and me actually being good friends with the other party.


"I'm sick of trying my fucking best just to be second best."
Or even better, be the best and lose to second best.

I am so..................... Tired today and I want to crawl into bed right now except that I have yet to do so many things.

Hello world,

Although it has been pretty much getting up at 0555 for sch each day whr I reach before everyone else and leave after everyone else.. My life has been pretty good actually (pms ftw!)
I had a hair cut today, my fringe is so short I feel so uncomfortable with it.
I went window shopping. Money pls drop from the sky, I want to buy clothes that I won't have enough time to wear.

My parents are away at Genting.. My sister is out creating havoc.. She probably has like so many sex bands on now waiting for... HAHA nah, it's just an accessory and.. Wha? This coming week,
My brother will be going to somewhr that makes bombs.
Ok I guess at least if smth goes horribly wrong, he will return with a different belief and bombs and not.. uh, swine flu?

Maybe you're right and.. Maybe I'm on the wrong track.
Sometimes things are better left unsaid?
But I'm sorry. I just didn't mean to shut you out.

Fuck?

Pls don't make it into me avoiding you altogether.

I just got back from sch not that long ago but I desperately wanted to get out like... A few mins earlier only.
Don't mind, I'm trying to not let this dampen the happy feel I had since ytd.
Anyway, I was the big joker today that got to sch early and ready except that I forgot my knives set so my dad hadto rush back to get it for me. (Thank God for parents really)
And I was literally the mascot for the day as well, I stood outside the academy greeting welcome to everyone while waiting for my dad to arrive.

I don't think anybody will be interested in how my day actually went bcos basically, I just cooked potatoes in different forms and made pasta from scratch that miraculously turned out good.
Oh eh, I just told you abt it.

If things can go my way for once..

Complicated? Not that I can help it.
I have one that says this, the other that says that and another that says another thing.
So tell me, what should I even be thinking abt.
The more I am not wanting to be the kind that will do that, the more I am becoming.
It isn't fair even if there isn't anything to lose..

Ok, I am receiving comments abt my blog being emo. Hey I'm ok!
I am just abit grumpy over my sch's timetable.. And how I think life is taking me for a ride.
There's hardly a smooooth journey.

Sch tmr, joy joy joy.

I am so proud of myself, I took a nap for.... 2 fucking hours.
But I think I'm going back to slp somemore bcos I hear someone whom I don't really feel like dealing with right now.

K, goodnight, again.

Prove me wrong

Who would have thought that a few years back, they were on the verge of a final break up.
-

It's going to be Monday all over again.
Sch's really fun except that the timings of everything are really.. Horrible.
My parents are going to Genting (again, yes again) this coming thurs.. My brother is leaving for somewhr the week after next.
Hopefully the next time I talk abt someone going somewhere.. It'd be me and "IM GOING TO SYDNEY!!!"

I'm trying to handle all these unpredictability
In all probability
....
Except that I think this is so predictable.

Almost.

And when you finally realize that.. It's too late.

Falling in... Falling out?

It's the weekend! I made it thru the first week of sch with barely 6 hours of slp each night.
Don't I deserve a pat on my backkkkkk.
Ok.. Not now. I am really tired that I think I'm rambling or going to start. So goodnight!

Huh what? It's only Wednesday.
Friday please come, Sunday whichever except a new Monday.
..................................... ........................ ........... . . . .. . . . . . . . . .. . .. .

Take a peek into my head and you'd see all the wonderful things I see abt.. You

IF YOU SEEK A-MY-LIFE

I hate it when certain ppl talk like they knw it all. Hey, do me a favor ok? Keep Quiet. Yeah, thanks.

Sch has started, joy.
I picture myself accidentally cutting my finger btw, but I don't really care for now......
I own a knives set now. Offend me? You die (even though I might end up stabbing myself instead)
I have a plan.. Nah. I don't have a plan.
Armed with just an ipod and with a pair of legs, I was facing one of my worst dilemmas.

18 so far

Here's a breakdown;
An hour into my bday.. I had a pleasant surprise and it was instantaneous Grinch no more.
I watched a 5star rated show in the afternoon and went Phuture with a bunch of friends and my sister at night.
I got high I got dry, I puked my guts out after drinking 2flaming in less than a min. (No thanks to Eme keep on going "FASTER FASTER")
Hahahaha but thanks all of you for making my 18th bday a good one :)

IM FINALLY LEGAL BABY

Seventeen Forever

I feel like the grinch y'knw. I think it's bcos I'm too slpy.
Orientation really sucked, imagine sitting in the same place for hourrrssssss.
No eh, not fun at all.

I am spending the last few moments of my 17 life.. Eating ice cream out of the tub. Ok, not really ice cream. I was digging out the raisins out of it. At this rate, I think my mom wont make ice cream/bread with raisins anymore.
My sister hates me for that too.

Haha ok I should really start feeling happy and embrace the coming of.. 18yearsold.
It's gonna be a good day!

One thing you got to knw,

Don't expect anything from me.

Its 0133 in the morning and I think maybe, I should stick to playing piano?

My parents are out of town!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Play last night was soso. Don't see how we can spend so much when I dont rmb my friends or I drinking That much.


If I don't think, does that mean I won't change my mind?

I don't even knw why I'm doing what I'm doing

I feel quite productive today.
Went to Ikea and I'm going to go again soon and return with bedsheets, mirror and whatever I saw and wanted (very fat hope)
Made yogurt ice cream (finally!)
Eh actually thats all. Wait! I helped out in some housework.
C'mon, how many of you actually do housework now......

"I kinda wish I never met her then I wouldnt knw what I was missing"

Whoo!!!!!!

I am incredibly tired but I am also quite happy bcos I finally got to knw why I was feeling the way I was.
And, I decided that on my bday, I will go buy toto.
Hahaha ok guitar heroes!!!

Quite funny, my sister's phone got ran over by a car.

"i kinda hate the whole i feel smthg about you but im not suppose to feeling"

1500 miles

I think too much, I think too much, I think too much.

A day late

It comes to a point whr I see 11:11 and I don't wish for the same thing anymore.

I was feeling so slpy, I was typing gibberish online so my friend decided to count the cycles of my slp cos I am sooo slpy.
So apparently, we slp in cycles of 90mins. Let's say you fell aslp at 10, one cycle would probably be from..10-1130. Breaking that cycle, it'd make you feel very tired which was what happened to me.

Do you feel happy you learnt smth new today? hahahaha
Good morning! (I nearly typed happy bday)

Straight to the point

This post shall be as straight forward as it can be;
Maybe the next time you see me, my hair colour will be different.
I don't feel like talking anymore bcos my english is degrading with every passing day.
I don't knw what I'm doing tmr! I don't feel like cleaning up with the staff all arnd..
Play next week! Anybody wants to go?
I wonder if this is straightforward enuff.

Today, my mom talked to me abt someone. I didn't believe that she could be doing that. Anybody could be doing that but just not her. No, not her. It's too close for comfort.

Wednesday I'm in love!

Saw the cutest thing alive ytd, they look better than chihuahuas.
Steph you get a chihuahua, I get that white one.
Cool, deal?

I predict today's going to be quite a lazy day. .. I still want my vans shoes leh.

Scratch that, MY IPOD IS WORKING NOW!!!!!!!!!
But that means, I don't have any more reasons to drink 10tequila shots to get rid of my sadness.

How can you still love me when you're out to get me!?

I don't care how limited my vocabulary is but I am very happy and very sad right now.
I am happy bcos I went on a spending spree.
I am sad bcos my ipod fucking hell died and I need to down 10tequila shots just bcos I came online.
No.. You don't love me. Hahahahaha

Good to go

I woke up feeling quite blah today, not enough slp and my mom constantly asking me qns in the morning. ... Actually nah, it was just me.
Haha ok! I headed down to Dempsey to visit sit entertain Steph haha (which failed bcos I am a bad entertainer) I went to queensway and got my shoes, Vivo.. Nearly walked out of the store with an overpriced shirt.
Eh I don't knw why I even bothered typing that chunk but I'm tooo lazy to press backspace.
Tmr!!! I am going to wake up early, head out for a run, Vivoooo for lunch and then holland Vvvvvv (I think?).


Hahahahahhaha I have a friend that just decided to jump onto the HSM bandwagon. Ok, not really. But she's watching HSM3 now.

Does anyone have the slightest idea if the Apr fool's virus is for real!?
This is a really jumbled up post.
HAPPY BDAY TANIA!
And, Happy Apr's Fool btw.
Somone just told me that this girl from my sec sch died. Best part is, I believed.

Sometimes I don't knw why ppl do what they do.
Anddd, I feel like doing smth impulsive tmr except that I think when I get up tmr.. This feeling will go away.
Just like how I change my mind abt this that everything.
Haha ok maybe I'd go to dempsey!

Omg I felt smth on my tattoo just now when I scratched it. Ok I dont care, I am waiting for a friend to finish her cig thats taking forever, which reminds me, I still got a pack I've yet to finish.

I started off today with..
A change of mind and one of my not so last confession. Headed off to be Suwati, laughed at myself for alighting at the wrong stop. But its ok.. Cos I had more time to talk to someone who always catch me anywhere but home.

I'm off to bed. Need to be awake in 6hours time!

Walking down memory lane

Then and there. Nothing else mattered.

When I'm good to go, I'm good to go

Just not now when there's still that bit.

I'm glad I spent abt an hour or two talking to a friend earlier.
I probably didn't make any sense in the things I said to her but she made the most sense in anything else I've ever heard or it could also be what I secretly wanted to hear.

Fully awake, fully aware

O-right. Maybe I'd head down to gardens l8r to visit Ry

You either get it or you don't

Are there any nice movies?
Cigarettes and running don't really go together ..
The grass grower was ready to look for another location
I don't really want sch to start no matter how boring hols are
Monopoly is so boring, it should be destroyed
I am going to look for shoes again
And then the girl that sat by the fence came by to play
I don't knw if I should go to Zouk or Home
Let's go hunt for ice cream ;)
I am going to change my playlist
Almost died while we tried
You were... We were..
I need to talk to D properly soon
How's the desert anyway?
I feel like watching shows
Oh, how I've...
Fuck it. Don't even bother.

An exception

Eme came over and made a fool out of ourselves infront of my lappy.
Whoo ytd night's slp was (Y) Ok not really but in comparison to the previous nights, (Y)(Y)(Y)(Y)

"haha no, i dont think you are. honestly sometimes i think you mean something but idk if you mean what i think you mean because its difficult to read you"

Conclusion

After tuning into the discussion first thing in the morning, I decided I dislike Australia.

You. Me. We? Think too much

This is really quite bad, I couldnt get to slp till it was abt quarter to 3.
And when it was at 5, I kept waking up at 20mins interval.
Got up at 8 for a while to knw some 'news' my friend wasn't excited abt.... Then at 0950 I officially woke up.
Ok I actually feel like slping again cos I'm really quite tired, I haven't been slping properly for the past few days.
But my dad just decided to fry smth and my room being next to the kitchen... I feel like I'm the fried dish. My whole room smells like it. Eew.


Feel like doing some random picture post. And I shall!

I don't really knw why I care

I LOVE YOU EME

I don't think I will ever jump off a building if I ever try to commit suicide. I nearly died trying to balance on a ladder while cleaning the ceiling fan today.
And it didn't help that my ipod started playing those cranky songs meant for everything else but balancing. Can't balance on a ladder, talk abt jumping off a 21storey high building... I think the anxiety on the way up will alr wanna kill me sia.

SO Dempsey and Udders with Steph was successful.
Headed down to happppy dazeeeeeeeee to meet the rest.
Then I cannot rmb what happened and now I'm home.
Work at ECP tmr.. Hope it rains!

Retrace

I spent my night trying to fall aslp, again.
Suwati.. Dempsey (finally!) l8r

I don't knw if it was my coma ytd afternoon that I couldnt't get to slp last night, and when I finally did, I woke up shortly after.
And I give up trying to slp after trying for the past 3hours.
I hope my sister would want to go Dempsey.... Umm.
That girl needs some ice cream to cheer up.


Ytd wasn't such a bad day.......
My fav fish (hahaha) told me she'd be coming back in Apr!!

I deleted the previous post bcos it was.... Stupid.
Smth was just wrong with me. But everything got better when I got up from my coma (my mom had to shake me to wake me, believe it or not)

I feel like buying shoes. And more shoesssss.
Should I dye my hair?
Ok nvm, dempsey tmr!

Should I move to lj!

Ytd was great, we looked so happy even in the pictures.
Too many to put it here bcos it was all in burst mode.

Ok, heading to Cityhall soon to meet Steph!

Young Folks

Wha I'm kinda addicted to that song.
Whoever thought the previous post was by me should shoot him/herself.

My parents are back! I don't knw what happened but I hugged my father when I saw him as if they disappeared for a month.
And.. I almost forgot how it is like to have my mom back in the house.
I don't like it when she starts @$(#()% me in the morning but I still like the fact that she's back..... To wash my clothes. Hahaha I'm kidding.

Did I tell you that I had dinner with my brother and his boyfriend on Sunday?
It's my first time actually getting to knw The boyfriend properly and actually have dinner Together.
Maybe I'd see myself in California (or issit?) attending their wedding.
Ok........ Let me see, I'm alr the worst sister, I don't want to be the worst friend.
So I will get my butt moving!

D, I really hope you'd come back :(

Dear diary,

I am the worst host on earth. I refuse to walk to the bank with Eme
I just called my guest annoying. I am so annoying.
I love to be kao pei.

I am going to cry a river. Viva la vida!
Charissa is making me hear a song, guitar heroes's cheers are playing in the background, the wind is blowing............... it's cold & bleak.

Life is such a bore. I can't wait for tuesday night when boys over flowers & Gossip girls epi 18 comes out yay!

^^v starlight. How bleak is my life I am munching on museli like a hamster. I'm a hamster, I'm a brown hamster. ^^ ^^ ^^

I hate my life it is boring -_____________________-
I am going to do a strip tease for charissa now bye

My friends are over... Playing GH.
They were hungry so I made sandwich for them but when I brought it out for them to eat, they ignored me twice altogether.
bird is playing guitar hero right now. SHE RESEMBLES ONE OF THOSE AHBENGS IN THE ARCADES. MEHhahahahhaha!!!

My first picture post!!!!

This is what happens when yr parents are away in Genting

Just got home from Zouk, saw some familiar faces.
Can't stomach how self-centred you really are.
Ok maybe I'm self-centred too for thinking you're thinking too much of yrself
Whatever, once twice was enough. Don't need more.
Suwati l8r... Omg what was I thinking.

Hi D, I'm so sorry I didn't reply yr last text! Was working..
Hope to see you soon though :)

K, I'm insane for coming on. I'm fucking tired, I need rest.
No more clubbinggggggg till my birthday, joy.

In my dreams,

I saw a girl with the prettiest smile but I don't rmb seeing her anywhere.

I feel like... Doing.. Going somewhere tonight. I wonder if anyone wants to go with meee.
MY SISTER GOT A MACBOOK!!

My stomach is churning like mad. And when I mean mad, it is freaking mad.
You see, all thanks to my friends, namely Steph and Zoe, I was kinda gone last night.
All I needed was One more drink to have me going, gone.
And now you can call me smelly or whatever bcos I am still in the exact same clothes I wore last night.(But I reckon I still smell quite good, the perfume is still on me with no ciggies smell) I slept straight away after going online for 4mins.
I think I'm quite smart too y'knw? I went and eat prata/murtabak with lotsa curry after puking.
Even on normal days, I can't take that much spice.
Smart, smart.

So now two friends are over. One of them is slping on my couch now, how cute.
Oh it's going to rain!

Yeh I'm probably not used to the change.. But I'd get around.
I think I'm going somewhr again next week.
Hopefully hopefully its not that expensive cos supply is running low.
I PASSED MY EXAMS!
I fared worse but I'm still happy cos I don't need to take any supp paper.
I think I'm a sucker bcos now even I can't take my words seriously.

K the long awaited Thursday is here!

Will you be the one that keep me rooted to the ground, stop me before it gets too late?

I'm starting to think that.. The beliefs (believes?)/values I used to hold are slowly fading away. It's not a good sign bcos if it is, I don't like who I'm becoming into.

I'm trying to make the least noise so as not to disturb V. She's wrapped up like a bazhang slping at that corner of my bed.
Quite happy, I finally changed my bed sheet today and packed my room. And there's a tv and dvd player in my room now. Yay, I can finally have movie/series show marathons with Emeeeeeee or anybody.
It's funny that contacts I talk to once in a blue moon will suddenly talk to me bcos of my pm. It's from that Korean (I made a mistake) song. Eh it's quite addictive, give it a try and listen.
I want nobody nobody but youuuuuu hahaha

-

GH for most parts of today, I finally cut my hair!
My sister is desperately happy (yes desperately) for Thurs.
Feel like they're going for some match making session.
I wanted to blog abt smth but with them distracting me so much I can't concentrate.

Eme looks so cute trying to play the drums and for once, she looks harmless.
Sharm's over and now they're all singing to Livin' On A Prayer including my mom.
I'm laughing at them tell me they're Bon Jovi.
Hahahahahha sometimes I feel like I'm in a circus.

On days like these

"I want nobody nobody but you"
No it don't mean anything. It's just a jap gay song that I overheard in Bkk wherever I went and a new song that I'm partially hooked onto.
Thanks ah Eme

I wonder what I should do for my 18th bday. Should I have a party or should I just skip that and.. I don't knw. But firstly, I........... Need to cut my hair. If I was stick thin, there wouldn't be any difference between the mop and I.

Happy 21st!

It's my sister's 21st bday today.. Happy bday, you.
Hahahaha I'm sorry I knw you really dont like but you seriously do look like her.
Pls don't hate me for that, I've been a good sister to you 0:) (Even though I didnt open the door for you at 4am. But hello? I was slping!)
Zouk was cancelled bcos everyone was feeling tired.
So now I'm bored, msn's being a real bitch (again).
I wanted to watch HSM3 except that the disc I bought from BKK.. turned out to be The Sopranos (Wtf).
Ok maybe I'd just watch online instead..

P.S. Play on Thurs, anyone?
P.P.S. I need an additonal wiimote
P.P.P.S I dont even knw if this p.p.p.s exists. Omg I'm going to work at a skate shop tmr!
(I just realized I have alot of brackets in this post)