The Wire

Well,  if this isn't the first time I'm typing out something on my phone...  

I pulled my back muscle the other day. Can't decide if I should say it as such since it usually takes ages to recover and now I'm not feeling too bad. But anyway, point is, I injured it the other day and I swear, you never realise what you've got on you before you kinda lose it. I did not lose my back, but I have never really considered the importance of it (yes I know).. Like I didn't think it'll hurt so much with a minor strain. I could barely get off my bed, or put on my pants. I needed the wall to support me. And even a simple task such as retrieving something from a lower drawer had me cringing. 

W

O

W

And, I couldn't lie on my bed being a baby about it either cause inactivity makes it worse. Yeah, I found that out the hard way. I've always been more mindful of my legs, but now I definitely possess a whole new level of appreciation for my back. I know, I know, the back.. Your spinal cord plays like one of the hugest part of your body functions. But really, it's always something that huge an importance that makes you just overlook it's importance really, or basically underestimate it. 

I'm all better now, and I think the back strain came at a good time as any. I paused my gym membership (because of that damn fine) to save some cash and taking the opportunity to enjoy the sun..  I found myself taking time to enjoy life just a little more. I went out for walks, and yesterday found me trekking a familiar route (but still getting lost anyway) and stumbled upon royal Park. 

I think I'd love to do it again. Maybe over the weekend or smth, not that sure. We will see. 

I don't really know how much I've typed above. I can only see like ¹\¹00 of how the length but who cares?  

I am sitting downstairs my block having a cuppa, enjoying the warmer weather today. And I've really really decided to go back. I don't wish to be apart from my family anymore. 

Mmm. 

Now I just need to remember that sentiment whenever I get pissed off.

I do wish to thank God for giving me life. Hahaha. Random. 

But thankful, that's how I wanna live for the rest of my life. 

let me feel your fire

I wonder how it'll be like this time next year.

Will I be working in a job I actually enjoy? Will I be the same as how I am? Will I be feeling the same as how I am feeling at this time of the year?

I wonder, I wonder.

I feel like the longer I work at my current work place, the more I feel undervalued, and I feel like my knowledge of what I actually learnt in uni is slowly dwindling. I am slowly being overcome by insecurities, my fears and my inadequacies.

It's always so easy to surrender to those feelings. But I must remember that this isn't my battle to fight. If there's a battle, it isn't mine to fight. Although if there is a battle to be fought, it had already been fought for and won. And now, all I really need to do is claim my victory.

Now, I just have to remember all this on a daily basis. As I say, it is always so easy to fall into a self deprecating stance, but I know, I know, the battle has already been won and now I just need to claim My victory.

That being said, I got my infringement notice just today. If only they work fast in everything else... (obviously still not over the fine.)

My whole body is aching, and I really just want to merge with my bed and not move for an entire day.

I actually can't wait to get back to my family in Singapore. I know there'll be days where I really wish I am back here because there is this sense of serenity that Singapore just can't replicate.. and my room is really just not my room back there. ..but as I told my mother a few days back, home isn't quite so home here without them.

definitely still not over the fine

strong in the broken places

I have 10001 books to read, but I am still fresh from jumping one ship to another (hahahaha). Fan fiction be the bane of my existence, or rather the existence of my literature mind.

Went out last night, and I mentioned that the timing and the weather surrounding the outing is a measurement of how much I actually treasure/love/whatever the person because as a rule of thumb, you don't see me outside after dark (during winter only) and when it's raining, of course you wouldn't because it means it is colder than it usually is (again during winter only).

(I still can't get over the fine like to be honest with anyone or my future self)

So we all went out last night to meet one of Jay's friend, one whom I met earlier this year. Jodi and I started talking and I mentioned that our dream here was so much like the much talked about American dream in the past. We were all (too) optimistic about the job prospects here, the life we intended to live and here we are, scrimmaging from day to day, hoping our work covers for the roof above our head, our stomachs and everything else included. I don't think I regret it at all, but if anything, I am tired of the life here where my life hangs on the balance on the number of hours I get each week.

I had a fighting spirit but with each day that passes, I feel a little more out of wear and it almost feels like I am fighting a losing battle.

AND LET'S NOT FORGET THE ABSOLUTE BITTERNESS OF HAVING A FINE WHEN I AM ALREADY JUST BARELY SCRAPING THROUGH.

...

I think maybe the point of this entry today is to rant about my bitterness. I think it's gonna be in my head till the infringement notice comes and 28 days passes thereafter.

On a sidenote, Jay was really sweet. She offered to lend me some money and bought me chocolates. But I don't think I want to accept any help especially when it's something that I could have easily circumvented by crossing the road to rid of that damned cigarette butt.

How do I break this news to my mother? "Hi Mother, just to let you know, no worries there, but I got caught littering just the other day. Oh no biggie, the amount is but only 300 dollars. Maybe more, maybe less. Can I go back now?"

But honestly, I never knew that they had a fine imposed on littering. I've been here for at least 5 years, 4 of which I was smoking I think, and never once in the whole entire time where I flung my cigarette butt all around that I got caught. And to be really honest, I thought I was doing the firemen a favour because their bins catches fire so easily with them lighted butts and seeing a huge ass fire engine in the background with 2 firemen in their full uniform putting out a fire..... in a bin...

Honest to God, I just thought that throwing it on the ground was less likely to catch a fire that would wipe out a city.

I guess not.

But of course. 300 fine for that ignorance.











SOBS

Natural Disaster

Remember how I thought that my mom was telepathic? Turns out half the population turned out to be pretty telepathic - in the sense that my dad texted me asking about my wellbeing, my oldest sister also messaging me asking about my wellbeing and admitting to having thought about me those few days. Then another friend texts me as well...

It's almost strange because we can all go on for a few months with absolutely no contact (and I actually am okay during those periods) and then the time swings by where I felt absolutely low and lousy, and suddenly an influx of messages arrives. Maybe it's not exactly telepathy... maybe it's an unknown pull or something. I actually think I know what that is.

So, I want to commemorate today since I got a fucking fine for littering. I absolutely had no idea that we get fined here, and yes, it's totally my fault that I got fined but yeah, I seriously had no idea otherwise I would have totally been more cautious about it. Alas, I got fined not only for my laziness but also my ignorance of the law of where I wanted to stay.

I think everything is just pushing me to leave, leave, leave and leave. I wonder if I will ever get to stay in a place where it's cold and all I want to do is curl up by the fire. Ha ha ha and then fast forward to the thoughts of me just not liking the cold That much... because it hinders me from going to the gym (cause seriously, when it's so cold, the last thing you want to do is get out of your comfort zone - that is the house).

Anyway, just in case the future me forgets in a year to come. Please don't forget that you like the show The 100 and if you haven't watched the 3rd season, I hope you do soon. Or if the time has come for the last season, you better be watching all of it. I DO NOT CARE HOW BUSY YOU ARE.

Go out a little less.

On the other note, I am so broke. But I do believe things will turn out for the better for me.

....


300$ fine for littering. I H8 MYSELF SO MUCH.

I am starting to think my mother has a little bit of telepathy in her or something. There were days where I just did not contact her, or anything, but mostly due to because of my workload and study load and she did not really question my disappearance. It was only the past two weeks, where I just didn't feel like talking that she questioned my whereabouts, what was I up to.

And she had my older sister ask me if I was okay when I simply just did not feel like replying then. I felt bad when I finally replied when my mother told me she fell sick during the week and she wondered about me.

It made me wonder if our physical distance made us closer, and if and when I go back, would I still be as aware of her wellbeing and daily events as I am now?

My heart took a little dive when my mother also told me she put in some money in my bank account just in case I run out of it soon.

Pah!

hustler

It is almost hilarious - the way I want to leave, when I can do nothing but stay or the way I want to stay, when I can do nothing but leave. 

Lately, I've been feeling a little too constricted in this space. It almost feels like I am trapped and I hated that feeling. I felt like I was on a highway, and having just missed my exit.. I have to wait for the next one. 

Of course, nobody really gets how my brain works. Here's a tip, nobody really understand themselves anyway. 

I don't really feel like talking to anyone, not anybody that's not here. I am too far, and I just feel so disconnected and irrelevant. 

I realize I just wanted to write, write something, write something and keep it somewhere. I miss writing, like the traditional way of actually writing something down. Alas, I haven't found a book I wanna write in. But here isn't that bad either, it makes up for less baggage when the time comes where I have to leave this place. Figuratively, and literally speaking. 

I am mostly tired of working for other people, having my life subjected to their liking and approval. I really want to be my own boss, and lately, I think that's really where my next step should be. I shouldn't be finding a place to fit in, more like finding a place where I don't fit in and invite everyone to fit in with me. 

Ha! 

I am not a follower, but a leader. Not a follower, but a leader. 

Not a follower. 

I am a leader. 

It was like I was in a box, tightly capped. It was a darkness I grew to be comfortable with, a space I was contented with. Nobody could come in, and I wasn't intending to go out either.

Alas.

You opened the lid, and beckoned me to come out. I didn't want to, but you waited, you hung around, and waited for me to stretch out  my hand. You allowed me to grow used to being out in the open like that. It was okay, it was okay to be exposed to the sun, to the fresh air. It almost felt like I belonged.

Now, as I sit inside the box again, with the lid opened this time - I think about you, and how you pulled me out.

It was a dark place there, wherever I was at.

You brought me out, just by being there.

REALiTi

My dad picks the worst timing to ever talk about how many more years he most likely have before he lets out his final breath. ... Then again, is there ever a right time with me? I detested spending alone time with my father because you never know what comes out of his mouth next. 

Imagine, a 5 years old me crawling up to my dad in bed for a snuggle in the morning and he tells me he isn't young anymore and he was going to die. It was somewhat the truth, I knew that - and maybe that was why I hated it so much because I was utterly helpless. 

My dad mentioned it again while he was here. I might be much older now but the emotions stirred up from within is still the same. I looked away. I stayed quiet, I refused to look at anyone in the eye because I was afraid of being caught with a vulnerable soul laid out there in a crowded place. 

My parents are still here with me in the sense that they haven't died but they have gone back and I'm here. If I'm already feeling this empty with just their temporary departure, how am I going to remain strong when we say our final goodbyes?

I don't think I can ever really bring myself to mean to say I did all I can, I treasured their presence and everything because if I did, I wouldn't be going against the current and staying apart from them. 

When I came to that conclusion, for some reason I feel like I answered the question that plagued my entire stay here. 

It was my mother's 60th birthday last week. I didn't realise it until I wished her, that 15 years have gone by since the last time I remembered her age in my head. For the longest time, whenever I think about my mother's age (or even if someone asks me), the number 45 comes up. Not exactly sure why, but I am gonna pin it all on because that was about the last time I asked her age.... which means I was 9 then.

Time flies, and it's been 5 years or so since I've spent her birthday in person with her. For those times I was here, it was either a phone call or a text. This year, I got to wish her in person. It was nothing dramatic at all, we were just lying in bed doing our own things when I turned to my side to greet her. The way it happened was as though we were simply talking about where we were going the next morning - like an everyday event. Nonetheless, I got up early the next day to buy some presents and cakes. I wanted to take her out for dinner but her words - as always - were, "Wait till you start working."

So my dad came over too and I (officially) graduated the next day. It was a long time coming, and all my thoughts were... why was I doing this? Sure, it could be a one time life event, seeing as how I am most probably not gonna be studying anymore. To me, it felt like just a certificate or something. Putting on a gown, going on stage.. all that stuff. It almost felt like a drag, and I was afraid of going up on stage that when there was a very high chance that I might miss the whole ceremony, I was partially relieved.

I remember coming out of the place with this unfamiliar piece of clothing on my head and body, and walking over to my parents. (They looked so out of place, yet they were the only thing familiar to me). Both my parents' faces lit up, and I suddenly realised that this whole graduation ceremony was for them. To see them that happy, I felt utterly happy too and I felt like I finally did something right in my life. Whatever stage fear I had, it all melted away because that gave me a sense of confidence that just being here, everything was right and nothing could go wrong. And, all those times I felt like a burden was gone.

Nothing went wrong. The ceremony happened, and we headed back. My dad holding on my certificate like a prized possession, my mom being in high spirits. It was possibly one of the happiest days in my life - seeing my parents that happy, and knowing I was the reason for all of that. I don't think anything else can ever top that.

So there's that.

(I have graduated!!!!!)

mothership arrives

I can't decide if the recent 'depletion with no replenishing option yet' event was a good thing. It sucks because I find myself more restrained than ever, but at the same time, I am looking at things in a totally different way. I did not buy things as readily as before, because it came down to a question of "Is this a want or a need?"

Yes, I guess it made me more thrifty (which is always a good thing).

I was clearing out my room the other day, and then I realised how reluctant I am to throw shit away. There's always a reason for something to stay, "This sock was given to me by mom, doesn't matter if it's about 6 years old. No holes, no go."

I used to call my dad a hoarder, but I am starting to see why certain things just can't go as easily. I am keeping all these things given by my folks because Lord knows when a particular item would be their last and I wanna keep every single thing. I guess we are all sentimental like that.

On another note, my mother will be arriving in 12 hours!

sentimental

It's always the case where I find myself with too much words to say that I needed to pen it down and when I finally get down to it, my mind fails me. 

It's that way right now. Earlier, I wanted to write the things I would have if I had a proper diary to write it down but now even then, I can't find the words to express my thoughts. 

A month and more has passed ever since I came over to forge a new life. Except, right now, with no legal rights given to work, I can't do anything else but sit back and play (and wait for my visa to be granted). That would have been a very welcoming description of a life to choose except it sucks if you only have money flowing out of you rather than incoming. My mother is coming over in a matter of days, and I have absolutely no idea on how am I gonna break it to her that the money she gave me... they're slowly but surely finishing. 

This morning, I woke up with the smell of (specifically, fried) food in my room. In between slumber and conscious state, I thought I was back in Singapore for a while. In a few moments, I imagined I would hear my mom knocking on my door to wake me up. Later, I would hear my dad calling everyone else to come and eat. I would pull myself awake and get out - to be greeted by the familiar humidity in the air and my dad sitting there with the wooden chopsticks clasped in his hands. He would smile that familiar grin and tell me to "Come eat". My mom would be going back and fro from the kitchen to the dining table carrying different types of food she prepared with each trip. 

I know my answer would always be, "Don't want, I am going out for a run." But today, just today, I would have traded anything to just be greeted with that familiar scene and instead say, "Let me brush my teeth first." 

I am 24 now. Nothing's changed except for the number of years I've lived. 

01

As I lay here on this bed I've been missing for the past month... I feel an anchor. If it did not feel right to stay, then why do I find myself wishing I was someplace else tonight? Is this a feeling I always had and did not acknowledge or am I just different this time around?

I genuinely thought I had nothing much to say, or nothing left to say. It was only when I stared out of the window last night as the plane rolled out of its bay that I realised I still had tears to shed along with words of honesty.

I don't particularly wish for someone else there to hear me out. More than anything, I wish I was there to hear me out.

Hold back the river, let me look into your eyes

I'm still here.

Now it feels like I've overstayed my welcome in this place. It feels weird - almost scary how I can switch from one end to the other.

About 4 years on

Almost 4 years have passed since I last blogged here. I wish I could truly mean it when I say I am a different person as before - but looking at past posts... the only thing that changed is the date on the calendar and my age. I'm still the - emotionally stunted - person as before. 

Sometimes I wish I could pack my feelings into boxes, categorize them and take them out only when it's appropriate. Then again, maybe not. 

Maybe one day I'll come back a better (different) person. 

the show is over

i'm the kind of person that wishes for smth to happen and when it finally happens, i wonder why did i even wish it in the first place. take my current situation now. i kinda missed being sick and now that i am, i am feeling hot and cold and nauseous and sane all at the same time.
today, someone had an intention of passing me medicine and even if the medicine never got to me, i felt like that someone passed me the medicine anyway. its the thought that counts right? k. my dog just conveniently placed his ass in my face. goodnight im going to merge with me bed.

Hi Charis, I may be miles away from you, but yknw, I'm always here for you, whenever you need me to. A few more months till we hang out at my playground ok? This time we will arrange an earlier timing so I won't be so tired out and my mom wouldn't be an unhappy bitch and my flight wouldn't be the next day. Dk what else to give you, but I guess a virtual kiss on yr forehead? It will be okay.
:)

p.s. we are going to have an awesomeeeee christmas, wait for me!

I wonder what is it like from yr point of view, what is really going thru yr head. And I know I have to be on my toes most of the time now, bcos if I let slip anything, I will fall back. I had this long essay typewritten out in my head, but I'm thinking, it's not right. I just finished time traveler's wife, I feel like a friend of mine died. I don't always feel that. You're the book I never wanted to finish but I had to anyway even if I really hated the way it ended. I'm back to thoughts being all over the place, bcos right now, my mind can't just stay in one place, in one timezone. And I'm going to ikea tmr, rmb to get the bed thingy for stephy and ironing board for charissa. I need to go for a run tmr, bcos it is the only thing I found constant, to keep me sane. I'm not sad.

"Don't you think it's better to be extremely happy for a short while, even if you lose it, than to be just okay for your whole life?"