h

e

What do I say?

What do I say??

What do I say???

"I made a mistake and I am continuing to make the same mistake."

-- 

l

Am I the only one that sees myself as truly incapable of doing something right or does everyone sees it in me to be doing everything right? 

 

-- 

p

What do I tell everyone?

On top of everything else, I am so sorry for I have disappointed you. All of you. I know everyone has/had high hopes for me because before me there was this, before that there was that... and then it's me now.  and I don't know what to say. 

I think I have disappointed myself the most and here I am, still trying to escape. 

--

.

cause and effect

I remember the first defeatist thought in my life - the one where I was leading but I was afraid and it let to... me not wanting to try harder or maintain the status quo because I was afraid of trying so hard only to fail in the end. And I can remember the exact same sequence and what happened and where it was and how I felt exactly.

And for some reason, I feel like this attitude has stuck around somewhat. The whole idea of just giving up before you actually go in further or putting in your best efforts and knowing that you did and losing it all despite all your best efforts and good intentions.

Anyhow, I am simply tired so don't mind me.

don't read, don't read.

They always say it does - but does it? Do everything matter in the end? We came with nothing, we leave with nothing.

I am usually on the brighter end of the spectrum but when you hear people comparing... and when you have already been trying to work yourself up here and then suddenly you feel like it's like you're at the top of the stack and someone removes one plank, and someone removes the next, and someone removes the next - and you just feel like a tile ready to fall into a pile of mess.

I ran till my chest couldn't take it any further and I also wonder if I stopped smoking, would I be better?

Don't read, don't read.

forever free

It's okay, we don't have to fix it now. 

I am physically tired - and well, I guess it contradicts the title of this.

I think I am okay generally, but sometimes like weird things and weird thoughts just makes me feel weird and then all of a sudden it feels like I have been thrown a curveball and it slapped me right across my face.

And then I gather my thoughts and stop myself from letting the negative thoughts take hold. It's hard, it's hard but I am trying.

And, surely that is better than nothing?

1%

Oh, but don't give much thought to the title because it's just a song that I have been listening to on loop.

And - clearly, after saying it all out, I realised how stupid the previous post sounded. Because if we were all just a little bit more upfront, a little bit more honest and a little bit more forthcoming - then we would have all saved ourselves that tiny bit of confusion and the heartache and the unnecessary insecurities that shouldn't have been brought up to the surface if we all just said something.

But that is the hardest part too, isn't it?

I had a head full of words (as per usual), and I really want to let you know - but I think I will leave this place with this first.

If you were an ice cream flavour, I'd pick you to be chocolate chip.

And it hits you out of nowhere. You didn't mean to see it, but you did. You don't mean to be affected, but you are. You really don't want to remember - and you actually successfully forget about it sometimes - but it hits you out of nowhere and then you're not sure.

It's okay, it's okay, it's okay. 

You don't really know what to say because it wasn't meant for you to see and you don't really want to ask because you don't really want to know the answer either and you're just so good at telling yourself certain things. 

It's okay, it's okay, it's okay. 

And then you're convincing yourself every time you think about it - it's okay, it's okay, it's okay. They're not the same. They're two different things (or people). Time. And time. And time.

But you remember that sinking feeling, don't you? Even though the years have passed and the cast of the storybook movie has changed - but the sinking feeling stays. You tell yourself, no. But your heart.

Be on guard.

It's okay, it's okay, it's okay. 

Be on guard. Cause if you're not protecting yourself, then who will? 

baby, don't worry now

No, we will never know.

I shouldn't ever wear white because I stain them when I'm not careful. Likewise, I shouldn't have something (or someone) because then I will hurt it (or them) even if I don't mean to.

Unless I am extra careful - because after all, I don't stain all my white t shirts, do I?

interlude

I have been meaning to come back here to say something - considering the last post was 29 September 2018 and a lot of things have changed since then.

It felt like a lifetime ago, whatever that happened and the person I was back then at that point of time felt like someone else entirely. All the things I complained about, all the thoughts I had on a daily basis just feels so foreign now when I think about it.

I had a lot of words prior to this - but I think I just have to live with these words: I can't choose you if you don't.

Goodnight sunshine.

Highly favoured and deeply loved!

Oh but yes, we were a little over-dramatic since whatever I was being angry about did not actually... come to fruition.

Why am I here?

That's easy - my diary pages are running out and I am babysitting a dog and I also have work to do.

The questions I always ask myself here is - have I changed? Since it always takes a little while before I update the space again.

3 months is a long time for anyone to make new habits. For me, I don't think I have changed any of my old habits but I feel like I have changed the way I look at life.

It wasn't an instantaneous event - in fact, it has taken all my life seeing as I have been a believer all my life.

Believer is such a funny word, is it? I feel like half the time we KNOW that there is a God, but the other half we are all just convincing ourselves to believe. After all, if we really ever did believe, then why would we all still be trying so hard?

That's where I said I felt like I have changed myself from the inside out the past 3 months. I used to know that God is for me, I used to know that He loves me and He will always be there. I am the prodigal son and He is my Father.

Did I believe it? Did I truly believe it?

No, I didn't. It's not easy because it's in human nature to just do everything ourselves and coin the term "trust no one".

So, have I changed in the outward sense? I don't think so - not really. But I have changed the way I feel and the way I react and I think that's the first step to bigger changes.

Aren't we being a little too over-dramatic?

Time

For a moment, as I close my eyes, I felt like I was back in Melbourne. Just for a moment, because the next I feel the sweltering heat, the low murmur in the background (because God knows why there's never a moment of silence in this part of the world - it is almost as though because there's too many people in such a small space that you can never escape from just that noise). 

Exam is coming up and it feels like it has been 10 years since I have studied in this house. I don't even think I studied for anything during my polytechnic days albeit a really short time I spent my life there. 

Nothing has changed I think, maybe apart from the fact that I have gotten a job since my last post. Nothing spectacular but the knowledge I gain each day is indispensable and I don't think it's anything I can get from anywhere else. Pay check low, but knowledge is king... right? 

And it's mid-year now. I can't keep up. The time is passing too fast. And there, I thought once in my adolescence years that the week will never end, but now? It's just passing too fast - I need something to cling on to. And it's not something I realise on a constant basis because there's always something to do but when I sit down and think about it. When I look at my mother (have I not realised she has a little more white hair now?), when I look at my father (and I know he is going to bed soon because he is just so damn tired). When I think about the thoughts in my head (future and stuff like that), when I hear things around me (Dexter is looking for a house soon), when I go for a run (I can no longer be that camel whom runs around at 12 noon for an hour straight), when I get back from work (and all I want to do is just curl up on my bed and... get ready for work the following day) and when I look at my girlfriend (and think about all the possibilities tomorrow might bring, and some forgotten). 

I am in a home where everything is still the same and in a sense, it makes me feel like time has not changed at all. I am still running around in my diapers, and Dexter is just hanging around somewhere waiting to play a prank on me. My oldest sister is looking out for me, and Charissa is reading a book somewhere. Somewhere in the background, my mom will be calling all of us to have our dinner. My brother isn't around because he is in the states somewhere. I think. My memory is all jumbled up but that doesn't mean they did not happen. If anything, I choose to believe time is linear and everything is happening all at once. 

I am at once, unborn, 2, 10, 45 and 100. It's like Schrödinger's cat. 

Do not go further than that. Some things don't change. Alas. 

And in the afterlife, tell me we will be fine

Will I remember when, when it was the time I decided that this wasn't it? 

Will I remember when, when it was the time I hunched my back and trudged along?

I thought I was dead, and this is just the afterlife. Maybe we are all dead, and the world in reality has gone to flames. 

I dreamt, I dreamt of a future. I dreamt, I dreamt I was dead. 

the shade

With eternal love, the stars above
All there is and ever was
I want it all, I want it all
I want it all, I want it all
A blade of grass, a grain of sand
The moonlit sea, to hold your hand
I want it all, I want it all
I want it all, I want it all

We got the sunshine
We got the shade
We got temptation
We got it made
We got rewarded
We got refused
We got distorted
We got confused

2016

Happy new year!

I spent my new year's eve working for the major part of the day and then celebrating the rest of the evening at my brother's place.

For a moment, Singapore did not feel as dreary as it did. And I think it was finally okay to be back - with the people whom wanted me around and likewise. There was a little regret when I counted down the new year, where I did not wish my parents in person. Maybe I'm just being extra sticky or something, but I have this innate feeling of just wanting to spend as much time as I can. To the the point that I think my mother probably thinks I am a little too annoying.

If I am not wondering how much time I have left with my parents on the forefront, then that thought is always lingering at the back of my head.  It's bad to use someone else's lesson learnt as my own, but that's how it is. Life has always been that fragile but I don't think it really occurred to me until it happened to someone close to me so I don't think I wanna live any life that's without my parents' presence.

New year's resolution? I don't know. I jokingly mentioned I wanted to poop and I did. Hahahaha.

- find a job that I like
- be more open to my parents and patient and kind
- be honest with myself
- don't be too hard on myself.

Maybe I just don't wanna be alone anymore, I don't know.

I'm here now, and I don't think I fully registered I was till after I did some skipping earlier. I sat down, and hugged my legs really tightly and started to cry.

I felt the walls closing in on me. Like, I couldn't see further than what was in front of me. Like, I couldn't stretch my arms out without hitting something and hurting myself. And I wanted to hurt myself, just to see if I could actually bleed from that misery, and whether I'll cry because I did something that stupid. Or laugh for that matter.

I am happy because I get to see everyone that matters. But I feel like I lose myself a little as each day passes and I can't even remember who I was yesterday.

This is it.

I'm leaving the city at 1600 and then my flight will be at 1900 Melbourne time. It still feels unreal that I will not be coming back again so soon.

Am I even fully registering it yet?

Cause it's your heart, it's alive, it's pumping blood

The cleaners came over today and my apartment was pretty much cleared out. By tomorrow morning, it would be.

I'm pretty much writing this with a heavy heart, sitting at one of my favourite cafe. The type I can waste away an afternoon away just watching the world go by.


I wonder how many faces I passed without knowing it's their last day just like how anyone passing me. Nobody knows about anyone's stories unless they ask, and each person has a story, an ambition, a whole wealth of memories and life that nobody has access to unless they allow.

It just feels a little grand putting it that way,  I think. And it'll be really sad to have nobody to share it with.

I don't know where I'm getting at if I'm getting to anywhere. All I know is the chapter is about to reach its end and it's with a heavy heart that I say goodbye.

+5

And here it is, the last weekend spent as a resident in Melbourne City.

I could, I could apply for a PR next year but I am thinking if I would really do that. It just sounds so far away and a highly unlikely scenario even if mom and I discussed it fleetingly.

It's a cool morning, and possibly the last cool morning before I leave.

I'm sad, I really am - just thinking about it. My stuff were packed into boxes and shipped away yesterday. Memories of the old and the older packed and to be opened in an old environment yet so long ago that it feels new again. Things were simultaneously thrown out, memories were brought to the front memory and sorted out.

What memory did I want to keep? What memory did I rather leave it here and never face it again? What did I want to relive again even if the feeling could never be replicated ever again?

It's something new, packing all these things to go back to a place I would say "home"  in an instant but yet still feel so foreign at this stage. It still feels like a different life away.

My home here is moving in reverse and I feel a certain sense of dissonance with things. This disconnection that everything is playing in reverse, and the connection because I saw everything move chronologically.

I might break down when I leave, because it wasn't a life I wanted to give up. But I might also be relieved because it's a burden off my shoulders.

I don't have to worry about so many things anymore and I'll be with my parents. I thought I could always keep my temper in check but everytime when I quieten down my mind, there's always something to say sorry for and something I forgot to be thankful for.

I guess this is almost it. It's almost time to say goodbye.

But not yet.

But not yet.

+8

It's almost there - the end of my stay.

Mom's here, we just returned from Taz last night. (I'm afraid of putting down the full name cause I am afraid some representative emails me and get me to take down my post)

It was utterly boring, but I guess it was a slightly good reprieve from the hustle and bustle of Melbourne city.

But still really boring, my mom and I were counting down the minutes till we were back in the airplane towards Melbourne.

So here I am, the morning after of arriving from Taz. Accomplished a few things last night, sold off my dining table (feeling a little imbalanced because of that) and packed some of my stuff into boxes.
I can't believe I am heading back just next week, I feel like I am having an allergy reaction just to the idea of getting into an airplane and finishing a chapter titled "The Australian Dream".

I guess one good I can immediately think of when I head back is the weight falling off like magical flakes or something. Staying here certainly puts a wrench into my ideal type of bod, but something's gotta give, hey?


I am going to miss this type of quiet morning with the humming of a machinery in the background. The birds. No children shouting in the background, and still a cool morning.

I am going to miss this place so badly, this house, this life.  I don't wanna say goodbye, it's like breaking off a relationship that wasn't going to lead me to anywhere. And there it is, I answered the silent question in the air.

It's time to break it all off and move on to greener pastures and this time I hope, I will really water the greens till it's greenest at where I'm at.

birdie pox

One more thing to mark Melbourne as a memorable place is that this is the place where I got my chicken pox at an age of 24.

It started off with a random bout of pretty high fever on a Monday evening and then waking up with red spots on my face the next day. As the day progressed, I developed more little spots all over my body and then... the next day, I had blisters all over my face. It was horrifying, I didn't want to look at myself and I didn't want anyone else to look at me - afraid of the passerbys leaving a wide berth around me. Granted I was actually highly contagious.

So it was on Melbourne Cup day of 2015 that I got diagnosed with chicken pox (which I dubbed it as birdie pox). I was quarantined at home for 2-3 weeks. It wasn't too bad, cause for the first few days I was feeling really sluggish. Reading, playing my games, reading, sleeping, eating, reading. I couldn't eat anything else but porridge.

Even then, I couldn't eat mushrooms with it and pork floss because my mother was afraid of the contents. Old folk's myth or something, but hey, I didn't want to take a risk.

I've been out and about now for about 2 weeks. Scabs have fallen off and scars remain. I don't know if it will ever go away (because it's a scar after all) but I surely hope it will because there are 3-5 marks on my face. I never did scratch it but I guess in my sleep I might have nudged it a little. I don't know.

November is coming to an end, and this is the last weekend before my mother arrives on Tuesday. We are going to Tasmania for a while the next weekend... and then for a week and a half, that'll be the last of it that I'll be spending in this house that I have lived for 4-5 years.

I'm sad, but there is hardly any other way. Or maybe there is, but all the plans have been made to leave. So I guess this is just about it.

I'm going back. At least, home is where my parents are.
I'm going home.