interlude

I have been meaning to come back here to say something - considering the last post was 29 September 2018 and a lot of things have changed since then.

It felt like a lifetime ago, whatever that happened and the person I was back then at that point of time felt like someone else entirely. All the things I complained about, all the thoughts I had on a daily basis just feels so foreign now when I think about it.

I had a lot of words prior to this - but I think I just have to live with these words: I can't choose you if you don't.

Goodnight sunshine.

Highly favoured and deeply loved!

Oh but yes, we were a little over-dramatic since whatever I was being angry about did not actually... come to fruition.

Why am I here?

That's easy - my diary pages are running out and I am babysitting a dog and I also have work to do.

The questions I always ask myself here is - have I changed? Since it always takes a little while before I update the space again.

3 months is a long time for anyone to make new habits. For me, I don't think I have changed any of my old habits but I feel like I have changed the way I look at life.

It wasn't an instantaneous event - in fact, it has taken all my life seeing as I have been a believer all my life.

Believer is such a funny word, is it? I feel like half the time we KNOW that there is a God, but the other half we are all just convincing ourselves to believe. After all, if we really ever did believe, then why would we all still be trying so hard?

That's where I said I felt like I have changed myself from the inside out the past 3 months. I used to know that God is for me, I used to know that He loves me and He will always be there. I am the prodigal son and He is my Father.

Did I believe it? Did I truly believe it?

No, I didn't. It's not easy because it's in human nature to just do everything ourselves and coin the term "trust no one".

So, have I changed in the outward sense? I don't think so - not really. But I have changed the way I feel and the way I react and I think that's the first step to bigger changes.

Aren't we being a little too over-dramatic?

Time

For a moment, as I close my eyes, I felt like I was back in Melbourne. Just for a moment, because the next I feel the sweltering heat, the low murmur in the background (because God knows why there's never a moment of silence in this part of the world - it is almost as though because there's too many people in such a small space that you can never escape from just that noise). 

Exam is coming up and it feels like it has been 10 years since I have studied in this house. I don't even think I studied for anything during my polytechnic days albeit a really short time I spent my life there. 

Nothing has changed I think, maybe apart from the fact that I have gotten a job since my last post. Nothing spectacular but the knowledge I gain each day is indispensable and I don't think it's anything I can get from anywhere else. Pay check low, but knowledge is king... right? 

And it's mid-year now. I can't keep up. The time is passing too fast. And there, I thought once in my adolescence years that the week will never end, but now? It's just passing too fast - I need something to cling on to. And it's not something I realise on a constant basis because there's always something to do but when I sit down and think about it. When I look at my mother (have I not realised she has a little more white hair now?), when I look at my father (and I know he is going to bed soon because he is just so damn tired). When I think about the thoughts in my head (future and stuff like that), when I hear things around me (Dexter is looking for a house soon), when I go for a run (I can no longer be that camel whom runs around at 12 noon for an hour straight), when I get back from work (and all I want to do is just curl up on my bed and... get ready for work the following day) and when I look at my girlfriend (and think about all the possibilities tomorrow might bring, and some forgotten). 

I am in a home where everything is still the same and in a sense, it makes me feel like time has not changed at all. I am still running around in my diapers, and Dexter is just hanging around somewhere waiting to play a prank on me. My oldest sister is looking out for me, and Charissa is reading a book somewhere. Somewhere in the background, my mom will be calling all of us to have our dinner. My brother isn't around because he is in the states somewhere. I think. My memory is all jumbled up but that doesn't mean they did not happen. If anything, I choose to believe time is linear and everything is happening all at once. 

I am at once, unborn, 2, 10, 45 and 100. It's like Schrödinger's cat. 

Do not go further than that. Some things don't change. Alas. 

And in the afterlife, tell me we will be fine

Will I remember when, when it was the time I decided that this wasn't it? 

Will I remember when, when it was the time I hunched my back and trudged along?

I thought I was dead, and this is just the afterlife. Maybe we are all dead, and the world in reality has gone to flames. 

I dreamt, I dreamt of a future. I dreamt, I dreamt I was dead. 

the shade

With eternal love, the stars above
All there is and ever was
I want it all, I want it all
I want it all, I want it all
A blade of grass, a grain of sand
The moonlit sea, to hold your hand
I want it all, I want it all
I want it all, I want it all

We got the sunshine
We got the shade
We got temptation
We got it made
We got rewarded
We got refused
We got distorted
We got confused

2016

Happy new year!

I spent my new year's eve working for the major part of the day and then celebrating the rest of the evening at my brother's place.

For a moment, Singapore did not feel as dreary as it did. And I think it was finally okay to be back - with the people whom wanted me around and likewise. There was a little regret when I counted down the new year, where I did not wish my parents in person. Maybe I'm just being extra sticky or something, but I have this innate feeling of just wanting to spend as much time as I can. To the the point that I think my mother probably thinks I am a little too annoying.

If I am not wondering how much time I have left with my parents on the forefront, then that thought is always lingering at the back of my head.  It's bad to use someone else's lesson learnt as my own, but that's how it is. Life has always been that fragile but I don't think it really occurred to me until it happened to someone close to me so I don't think I wanna live any life that's without my parents' presence.

New year's resolution? I don't know. I jokingly mentioned I wanted to poop and I did. Hahahaha.

- find a job that I like
- be more open to my parents and patient and kind
- be honest with myself
- don't be too hard on myself.

Maybe I just don't wanna be alone anymore, I don't know.

I'm here now, and I don't think I fully registered I was till after I did some skipping earlier. I sat down, and hugged my legs really tightly and started to cry.

I felt the walls closing in on me. Like, I couldn't see further than what was in front of me. Like, I couldn't stretch my arms out without hitting something and hurting myself. And I wanted to hurt myself, just to see if I could actually bleed from that misery, and whether I'll cry because I did something that stupid. Or laugh for that matter.

I am happy because I get to see everyone that matters. But I feel like I lose myself a little as each day passes and I can't even remember who I was yesterday.

This is it.

I'm leaving the city at 1600 and then my flight will be at 1900 Melbourne time. It still feels unreal that I will not be coming back again so soon.

Am I even fully registering it yet?

Cause it's your heart, it's alive, it's pumping blood

The cleaners came over today and my apartment was pretty much cleared out. By tomorrow morning, it would be.

I'm pretty much writing this with a heavy heart, sitting at one of my favourite cafe. The type I can waste away an afternoon away just watching the world go by.


I wonder how many faces I passed without knowing it's their last day just like how anyone passing me. Nobody knows about anyone's stories unless they ask, and each person has a story, an ambition, a whole wealth of memories and life that nobody has access to unless they allow.

It just feels a little grand putting it that way,  I think. And it'll be really sad to have nobody to share it with.

I don't know where I'm getting at if I'm getting to anywhere. All I know is the chapter is about to reach its end and it's with a heavy heart that I say goodbye.

+5

And here it is, the last weekend spent as a resident in Melbourne City.

I could, I could apply for a PR next year but I am thinking if I would really do that. It just sounds so far away and a highly unlikely scenario even if mom and I discussed it fleetingly.

It's a cool morning, and possibly the last cool morning before I leave.

I'm sad, I really am - just thinking about it. My stuff were packed into boxes and shipped away yesterday. Memories of the old and the older packed and to be opened in an old environment yet so long ago that it feels new again. Things were simultaneously thrown out, memories were brought to the front memory and sorted out.

What memory did I want to keep? What memory did I rather leave it here and never face it again? What did I want to relive again even if the feeling could never be replicated ever again?

It's something new, packing all these things to go back to a place I would say "home"  in an instant but yet still feel so foreign at this stage. It still feels like a different life away.

My home here is moving in reverse and I feel a certain sense of dissonance with things. This disconnection that everything is playing in reverse, and the connection because I saw everything move chronologically.

I might break down when I leave, because it wasn't a life I wanted to give up. But I might also be relieved because it's a burden off my shoulders.

I don't have to worry about so many things anymore and I'll be with my parents. I thought I could always keep my temper in check but everytime when I quieten down my mind, there's always something to say sorry for and something I forgot to be thankful for.

I guess this is almost it. It's almost time to say goodbye.

But not yet.

But not yet.

+8

It's almost there - the end of my stay.

Mom's here, we just returned from Taz last night. (I'm afraid of putting down the full name cause I am afraid some representative emails me and get me to take down my post)

It was utterly boring, but I guess it was a slightly good reprieve from the hustle and bustle of Melbourne city.

But still really boring, my mom and I were counting down the minutes till we were back in the airplane towards Melbourne.

So here I am, the morning after of arriving from Taz. Accomplished a few things last night, sold off my dining table (feeling a little imbalanced because of that) and packed some of my stuff into boxes.
I can't believe I am heading back just next week, I feel like I am having an allergy reaction just to the idea of getting into an airplane and finishing a chapter titled "The Australian Dream".

I guess one good I can immediately think of when I head back is the weight falling off like magical flakes or something. Staying here certainly puts a wrench into my ideal type of bod, but something's gotta give, hey?


I am going to miss this type of quiet morning with the humming of a machinery in the background. The birds. No children shouting in the background, and still a cool morning.

I am going to miss this place so badly, this house, this life.  I don't wanna say goodbye, it's like breaking off a relationship that wasn't going to lead me to anywhere. And there it is, I answered the silent question in the air.

It's time to break it all off and move on to greener pastures and this time I hope, I will really water the greens till it's greenest at where I'm at.

birdie pox

One more thing to mark Melbourne as a memorable place is that this is the place where I got my chicken pox at an age of 24.

It started off with a random bout of pretty high fever on a Monday evening and then waking up with red spots on my face the next day. As the day progressed, I developed more little spots all over my body and then... the next day, I had blisters all over my face. It was horrifying, I didn't want to look at myself and I didn't want anyone else to look at me - afraid of the passerbys leaving a wide berth around me. Granted I was actually highly contagious.

So it was on Melbourne Cup day of 2015 that I got diagnosed with chicken pox (which I dubbed it as birdie pox). I was quarantined at home for 2-3 weeks. It wasn't too bad, cause for the first few days I was feeling really sluggish. Reading, playing my games, reading, sleeping, eating, reading. I couldn't eat anything else but porridge.

Even then, I couldn't eat mushrooms with it and pork floss because my mother was afraid of the contents. Old folk's myth or something, but hey, I didn't want to take a risk.

I've been out and about now for about 2 weeks. Scabs have fallen off and scars remain. I don't know if it will ever go away (because it's a scar after all) but I surely hope it will because there are 3-5 marks on my face. I never did scratch it but I guess in my sleep I might have nudged it a little. I don't know.

November is coming to an end, and this is the last weekend before my mother arrives on Tuesday. We are going to Tasmania for a while the next weekend... and then for a week and a half, that'll be the last of it that I'll be spending in this house that I have lived for 4-5 years.

I'm sad, but there is hardly any other way. Or maybe there is, but all the plans have been made to leave. So I guess this is just about it.

I'm going back. At least, home is where my parents are.
I'm going home.

Life is but a dream

Only 16 days have passed since I last posted an entry here? Well, it does feel like a significant amount of time have passed.

We went camping last weekend, and I don't think I was expecting anything like it at all. I reckon each one of us were too spoiled by the toilet facilities and lights always available in Singapore.

Our faces were pulled into a grimace when we looked into the toilet bowls, and when it was all lights out, I don't think we were expecting it to be That dark purely because I don't think any of us were ever exposed to that level of darkness in the wilderness. Nevertheless, it was an experience............... that I will never want to have it again unless it is with a bigger party.

The drive was fun, and we came back the next day and I puked everything out. Ha ha ha. It sure brought me back to the day my flight was delayed and I had food poisoning.

Nope. Nope. Nope.

Have I confirmed anything here at all? I am most certainly leaving on the 5th of December. Whoop, I guess this is it.

Melbourne Cup Day

It's the first day of October today. Oh, hang on. The second. 

Only about three more months left before 2015 ends, and about two and a half, my mom swings by for the last time to stay in this house before we all leave as one. 

The weather has been some sort of a whirlwind romance between the hot and cold. It is like every time you think it is safe to keep the long sleeves, tucked away somewhere you don't have an easy access to - the cold blast hits you and you're scrambling for the top shelves to get those long sleeves out. But hey, at least the biting cold is out of the way. 

(Just a little sad I did not get to use my alpaca hoodie as often I would have liked)

It's quite a lovely day today. The sun is out, and there is still a slight cool breeze in the air. I am dreading summer where I don't have an access to the air conditioning. But rough it out, hey?

I've been having really really strange and vivid dreams. Could be part of what I am watching, reading and feeling. There is always a similar theme in all these dreams and I think I might be lonelier than I'd dare to admit. Sometimes I wonder if I am still a little in love with the past and I am trying to live in denial, and maybe this is how it was supposed to be and not the kind I was used to in the past where it bordered on the line of dysfunctional. It's been a while since I have dated, and often, I wonder who will I date next? And if I will treat her the same way I treated my past. Always a push and pull, and the word of "goodbye" always on the tip of my tongue. 

Maybe it's my nonsensical perception of ideals. I have no idea. But I really do hope that I will treat my future with more respect and dignity than I ever did in my life and I hope that I am more brave than before. 

Time will tell. Now, I will just focus on making myself happy. ........ Not in the way you're thinking, obviously. 

Onward to happier me!

Supergirl

I've decided, recently, to use whatever paper I have on hand or any available empty notebooks carried over from before to store my musings in writing form.

I know right? I saved $10 that way and I think I am quite proud of myself (though it's not that big a deal tbh really).

I'm at Victoria Market right now sitting at aa cafe I used to frequent all those years ago. And, it has really come a full circle hasn't it?

I've been walking to Brunswick, I am working out religiously, I am taking the green drink again and now I am here at a cafe where I used to go just for the heck of it. It was dog friendly, still is, but I don't have a dog.


Spoke to my mother the other day, and I think the departure date is more or less set. All I have left to do, is to book my flight.

January 6th, the day my lease ends, possibly.

I don't know what else I can say here what I haven't already written down somewhere. Oh, one more thing to add would be that I am even blogging back at my old space.

I'm gonna miss this place, but I don't think I will not adapt to the new surroundings so slowly. Or maybe, I don't know. I guess we will know when the time comes.

And dear buddy, don't you cry

Nothing much in particular, except that maybe I've gotten myself another job. I can't help but think maybe that it was a perfect timing, considering how I was due to pay for my fine and I was almost on the verge to start worrying.

I've been leading a lackadaisical life, not really worrying about anything else other than my alarms and workout times.

Everyone's going back, everyone whom I know and possessed the same dream with me to stay here and start a life - except maybe Jodi, but I still think she'll be going back at the end of the day unless someone sponsors her.

Winter should be coming to an end, if it hasn't already. With the cold weather gone, it took away my sense of lethargy, hopelessness and filled it with more purpose and more gusto. I used to wonder how exactly this particular author committed suicide because the weather was always gloomy, and in general, that town had quite a lot of suicide rates. Not that I was thinking of committing suicide, but I understand now that external circumstances really can make a difference.

It's September now, and less than 6 months later, I will most likely find myself packing to go back. Can't say I am happy to leave, but I can't exactly say I am sad either. Emotionssssss.

It's funny how sentimental and emotional I can be, when all my life I really just didn't want to care so much about anything and everything because it'll really just be easier if emotions were not involved in any sense. It's also really funny that my close friends think I have the ability to just drop a person and move on with my life, and that they worry that I might be caring too little. If anything, I think they should be worrying that I really care too much.


Shows to take note of come 2016:
- Person of Interest
- The 100


I just hope I remember when the time comes!!!

The Wire

Well,  if this isn't the first time I'm typing out something on my phone...  

I pulled my back muscle the other day. Can't decide if I should say it as such since it usually takes ages to recover and now I'm not feeling too bad. But anyway, point is, I injured it the other day and I swear, you never realise what you've got on you before you kinda lose it. I did not lose my back, but I have never really considered the importance of it (yes I know).. Like I didn't think it'll hurt so much with a minor strain. I could barely get off my bed, or put on my pants. I needed the wall to support me. And even a simple task such as retrieving something from a lower drawer had me cringing. 

W

O

W

And, I couldn't lie on my bed being a baby about it either cause inactivity makes it worse. Yeah, I found that out the hard way. I've always been more mindful of my legs, but now I definitely possess a whole new level of appreciation for my back. I know, I know, the back.. Your spinal cord plays like one of the hugest part of your body functions. But really, it's always something that huge an importance that makes you just overlook it's importance really, or basically underestimate it. 

I'm all better now, and I think the back strain came at a good time as any. I paused my gym membership (because of that damn fine) to save some cash and taking the opportunity to enjoy the sun..  I found myself taking time to enjoy life just a little more. I went out for walks, and yesterday found me trekking a familiar route (but still getting lost anyway) and stumbled upon royal Park. 

I think I'd love to do it again. Maybe over the weekend or smth, not that sure. We will see. 

I don't really know how much I've typed above. I can only see like ¹\¹00 of how the length but who cares?  

I am sitting downstairs my block having a cuppa, enjoying the warmer weather today. And I've really really decided to go back. I don't wish to be apart from my family anymore. 

Mmm. 

Now I just need to remember that sentiment whenever I get pissed off.

I do wish to thank God for giving me life. Hahaha. Random. 

But thankful, that's how I wanna live for the rest of my life. 

let me feel your fire

I wonder how it'll be like this time next year.

Will I be working in a job I actually enjoy? Will I be the same as how I am? Will I be feeling the same as how I am feeling at this time of the year?

I wonder, I wonder.

I feel like the longer I work at my current work place, the more I feel undervalued, and I feel like my knowledge of what I actually learnt in uni is slowly dwindling. I am slowly being overcome by insecurities, my fears and my inadequacies.

It's always so easy to surrender to those feelings. But I must remember that this isn't my battle to fight. If there's a battle, it isn't mine to fight. Although if there is a battle to be fought, it had already been fought for and won. And now, all I really need to do is claim my victory.

Now, I just have to remember all this on a daily basis. As I say, it is always so easy to fall into a self deprecating stance, but I know, I know, the battle has already been won and now I just need to claim My victory.

That being said, I got my infringement notice just today. If only they work fast in everything else... (obviously still not over the fine.)

My whole body is aching, and I really just want to merge with my bed and not move for an entire day.

I actually can't wait to get back to my family in Singapore. I know there'll be days where I really wish I am back here because there is this sense of serenity that Singapore just can't replicate.. and my room is really just not my room back there. ..but as I told my mother a few days back, home isn't quite so home here without them.

definitely still not over the fine