cause and effect

I remember the first defeatist thought in my life - the one where I was leading but I was afraid and it let to... me not wanting to try harder or maintain the status quo because I was afraid of trying so hard only to fail in the end. And I can remember the exact same sequence and what happened and where it was and how I felt exactly.

And for some reason, I feel like this attitude has stuck around somewhat. The whole idea of just giving up before you actually go in further or putting in your best efforts and knowing that you did and losing it all despite all your best efforts and good intentions.

Anyhow, I am simply tired so don't mind me.

don't read, don't read.

They always say it does - but does it? Do everything matter in the end? We came with nothing, we leave with nothing.

I am usually on the brighter end of the spectrum but when you hear people comparing... and when you have already been trying to work yourself up here and then suddenly you feel like it's like you're at the top of the stack and someone removes one plank, and someone removes the next, and someone removes the next - and you just feel like a tile ready to fall into a pile of mess.

I ran till my chest couldn't take it any further and I also wonder if I stopped smoking, would I be better?

Don't read, don't read.

forever free

It's okay, we don't have to fix it now. 

I am physically tired - and well, I guess it contradicts the title of this.

I think I am okay generally, but sometimes like weird things and weird thoughts just makes me feel weird and then all of a sudden it feels like I have been thrown a curveball and it slapped me right across my face.

And then I gather my thoughts and stop myself from letting the negative thoughts take hold. It's hard, it's hard but I am trying.

And, surely that is better than nothing?

1%

Oh, but don't give much thought to the title because it's just a song that I have been listening to on loop.

And - clearly, after saying it all out, I realised how stupid the previous post sounded. Because if we were all just a little bit more upfront, a little bit more honest and a little bit more forthcoming - then we would have all saved ourselves that tiny bit of confusion and the heartache and the unnecessary insecurities that shouldn't have been brought up to the surface if we all just said something.

But that is the hardest part too, isn't it?

I had a head full of words (as per usual), and I really want to let you know - but I think I will leave this place with this first.

If you were an ice cream flavour, I'd pick you to be chocolate chip.

And it hits you out of nowhere. You didn't mean to see it, but you did. You don't mean to be affected, but you are. You really don't want to remember - and you actually successfully forget about it sometimes - but it hits you out of nowhere and then you're not sure.

It's okay, it's okay, it's okay. 

You don't really know what to say because it wasn't meant for you to see and you don't really want to ask because you don't really want to know the answer either and you're just so good at telling yourself certain things. 

It's okay, it's okay, it's okay. 

And then you're convincing yourself every time you think about it - it's okay, it's okay, it's okay. They're not the same. They're two different things (or people). Time. And time. And time.

But you remember that sinking feeling, don't you? Even though the years have passed and the cast of the storybook movie has changed - but the sinking feeling stays. You tell yourself, no. But your heart.

Be on guard.

It's okay, it's okay, it's okay. 

Be on guard. Cause if you're not protecting yourself, then who will? 

baby, don't worry now

No, we will never know.

I shouldn't ever wear white because I stain them when I'm not careful. Likewise, I shouldn't have something (or someone) because then I will hurt it (or them) even if I don't mean to.

Unless I am extra careful - because after all, I don't stain all my white t shirts, do I?

interlude

I have been meaning to come back here to say something - considering the last post was 29 September 2018 and a lot of things have changed since then.

It felt like a lifetime ago, whatever that happened and the person I was back then at that point of time felt like someone else entirely. All the things I complained about, all the thoughts I had on a daily basis just feels so foreign now when I think about it.

I had a lot of words prior to this - but I think I just have to live with these words: I can't choose you if you don't.

Goodnight sunshine.

Highly favoured and deeply loved!

Oh but yes, we were a little over-dramatic since whatever I was being angry about did not actually... come to fruition.

Why am I here?

That's easy - my diary pages are running out and I am babysitting a dog and I also have work to do.

The questions I always ask myself here is - have I changed? Since it always takes a little while before I update the space again.

3 months is a long time for anyone to make new habits. For me, I don't think I have changed any of my old habits but I feel like I have changed the way I look at life.

It wasn't an instantaneous event - in fact, it has taken all my life seeing as I have been a believer all my life.

Believer is such a funny word, is it? I feel like half the time we KNOW that there is a God, but the other half we are all just convincing ourselves to believe. After all, if we really ever did believe, then why would we all still be trying so hard?

That's where I said I felt like I have changed myself from the inside out the past 3 months. I used to know that God is for me, I used to know that He loves me and He will always be there. I am the prodigal son and He is my Father.

Did I believe it? Did I truly believe it?

No, I didn't. It's not easy because it's in human nature to just do everything ourselves and coin the term "trust no one".

So, have I changed in the outward sense? I don't think so - not really. But I have changed the way I feel and the way I react and I think that's the first step to bigger changes.

Aren't we being a little too over-dramatic?

Time

For a moment, as I close my eyes, I felt like I was back in Melbourne. Just for a moment, because the next I feel the sweltering heat, the low murmur in the background (because God knows why there's never a moment of silence in this part of the world - it is almost as though because there's too many people in such a small space that you can never escape from just that noise). 

Exam is coming up and it feels like it has been 10 years since I have studied in this house. I don't even think I studied for anything during my polytechnic days albeit a really short time I spent my life there. 

Nothing has changed I think, maybe apart from the fact that I have gotten a job since my last post. Nothing spectacular but the knowledge I gain each day is indispensable and I don't think it's anything I can get from anywhere else. Pay check low, but knowledge is king... right? 

And it's mid-year now. I can't keep up. The time is passing too fast. And there, I thought once in my adolescence years that the week will never end, but now? It's just passing too fast - I need something to cling on to. And it's not something I realise on a constant basis because there's always something to do but when I sit down and think about it. When I look at my mother (have I not realised she has a little more white hair now?), when I look at my father (and I know he is going to bed soon because he is just so damn tired). When I think about the thoughts in my head (future and stuff like that), when I hear things around me (Dexter is looking for a house soon), when I go for a run (I can no longer be that camel whom runs around at 12 noon for an hour straight), when I get back from work (and all I want to do is just curl up on my bed and... get ready for work the following day) and when I look at my girlfriend (and think about all the possibilities tomorrow might bring, and some forgotten). 

I am in a home where everything is still the same and in a sense, it makes me feel like time has not changed at all. I am still running around in my diapers, and Dexter is just hanging around somewhere waiting to play a prank on me. My oldest sister is looking out for me, and Charissa is reading a book somewhere. Somewhere in the background, my mom will be calling all of us to have our dinner. My brother isn't around because he is in the states somewhere. I think. My memory is all jumbled up but that doesn't mean they did not happen. If anything, I choose to believe time is linear and everything is happening all at once. 

I am at once, unborn, 2, 10, 45 and 100. It's like Schrödinger's cat. 

Do not go further than that. Some things don't change. Alas. 

And in the afterlife, tell me we will be fine

Will I remember when, when it was the time I decided that this wasn't it? 

Will I remember when, when it was the time I hunched my back and trudged along?

I thought I was dead, and this is just the afterlife. Maybe we are all dead, and the world in reality has gone to flames. 

I dreamt, I dreamt of a future. I dreamt, I dreamt I was dead. 

the shade

With eternal love, the stars above
All there is and ever was
I want it all, I want it all
I want it all, I want it all
A blade of grass, a grain of sand
The moonlit sea, to hold your hand
I want it all, I want it all
I want it all, I want it all

We got the sunshine
We got the shade
We got temptation
We got it made
We got rewarded
We got refused
We got distorted
We got confused

2016

Happy new year!

I spent my new year's eve working for the major part of the day and then celebrating the rest of the evening at my brother's place.

For a moment, Singapore did not feel as dreary as it did. And I think it was finally okay to be back - with the people whom wanted me around and likewise. There was a little regret when I counted down the new year, where I did not wish my parents in person. Maybe I'm just being extra sticky or something, but I have this innate feeling of just wanting to spend as much time as I can. To the the point that I think my mother probably thinks I am a little too annoying.

If I am not wondering how much time I have left with my parents on the forefront, then that thought is always lingering at the back of my head.  It's bad to use someone else's lesson learnt as my own, but that's how it is. Life has always been that fragile but I don't think it really occurred to me until it happened to someone close to me so I don't think I wanna live any life that's without my parents' presence.

New year's resolution? I don't know. I jokingly mentioned I wanted to poop and I did. Hahahaha.

- find a job that I like
- be more open to my parents and patient and kind
- be honest with myself
- don't be too hard on myself.

Maybe I just don't wanna be alone anymore, I don't know.

I'm here now, and I don't think I fully registered I was till after I did some skipping earlier. I sat down, and hugged my legs really tightly and started to cry.

I felt the walls closing in on me. Like, I couldn't see further than what was in front of me. Like, I couldn't stretch my arms out without hitting something and hurting myself. And I wanted to hurt myself, just to see if I could actually bleed from that misery, and whether I'll cry because I did something that stupid. Or laugh for that matter.

I am happy because I get to see everyone that matters. But I feel like I lose myself a little as each day passes and I can't even remember who I was yesterday.

This is it.

I'm leaving the city at 1600 and then my flight will be at 1900 Melbourne time. It still feels unreal that I will not be coming back again so soon.

Am I even fully registering it yet?

Cause it's your heart, it's alive, it's pumping blood

The cleaners came over today and my apartment was pretty much cleared out. By tomorrow morning, it would be.

I'm pretty much writing this with a heavy heart, sitting at one of my favourite cafe. The type I can waste away an afternoon away just watching the world go by.


I wonder how many faces I passed without knowing it's their last day just like how anyone passing me. Nobody knows about anyone's stories unless they ask, and each person has a story, an ambition, a whole wealth of memories and life that nobody has access to unless they allow.

It just feels a little grand putting it that way,  I think. And it'll be really sad to have nobody to share it with.

I don't know where I'm getting at if I'm getting to anywhere. All I know is the chapter is about to reach its end and it's with a heavy heart that I say goodbye.

+5

And here it is, the last weekend spent as a resident in Melbourne City.

I could, I could apply for a PR next year but I am thinking if I would really do that. It just sounds so far away and a highly unlikely scenario even if mom and I discussed it fleetingly.

It's a cool morning, and possibly the last cool morning before I leave.

I'm sad, I really am - just thinking about it. My stuff were packed into boxes and shipped away yesterday. Memories of the old and the older packed and to be opened in an old environment yet so long ago that it feels new again. Things were simultaneously thrown out, memories were brought to the front memory and sorted out.

What memory did I want to keep? What memory did I rather leave it here and never face it again? What did I want to relive again even if the feeling could never be replicated ever again?

It's something new, packing all these things to go back to a place I would say "home"  in an instant but yet still feel so foreign at this stage. It still feels like a different life away.

My home here is moving in reverse and I feel a certain sense of dissonance with things. This disconnection that everything is playing in reverse, and the connection because I saw everything move chronologically.

I might break down when I leave, because it wasn't a life I wanted to give up. But I might also be relieved because it's a burden off my shoulders.

I don't have to worry about so many things anymore and I'll be with my parents. I thought I could always keep my temper in check but everytime when I quieten down my mind, there's always something to say sorry for and something I forgot to be thankful for.

I guess this is almost it. It's almost time to say goodbye.

But not yet.

But not yet.

+8

It's almost there - the end of my stay.

Mom's here, we just returned from Taz last night. (I'm afraid of putting down the full name cause I am afraid some representative emails me and get me to take down my post)

It was utterly boring, but I guess it was a slightly good reprieve from the hustle and bustle of Melbourne city.

But still really boring, my mom and I were counting down the minutes till we were back in the airplane towards Melbourne.

So here I am, the morning after of arriving from Taz. Accomplished a few things last night, sold off my dining table (feeling a little imbalanced because of that) and packed some of my stuff into boxes.
I can't believe I am heading back just next week, I feel like I am having an allergy reaction just to the idea of getting into an airplane and finishing a chapter titled "The Australian Dream".

I guess one good I can immediately think of when I head back is the weight falling off like magical flakes or something. Staying here certainly puts a wrench into my ideal type of bod, but something's gotta give, hey?


I am going to miss this type of quiet morning with the humming of a machinery in the background. The birds. No children shouting in the background, and still a cool morning.

I am going to miss this place so badly, this house, this life.  I don't wanna say goodbye, it's like breaking off a relationship that wasn't going to lead me to anywhere. And there it is, I answered the silent question in the air.

It's time to break it all off and move on to greener pastures and this time I hope, I will really water the greens till it's greenest at where I'm at.

birdie pox

One more thing to mark Melbourne as a memorable place is that this is the place where I got my chicken pox at an age of 24.

It started off with a random bout of pretty high fever on a Monday evening and then waking up with red spots on my face the next day. As the day progressed, I developed more little spots all over my body and then... the next day, I had blisters all over my face. It was horrifying, I didn't want to look at myself and I didn't want anyone else to look at me - afraid of the passerbys leaving a wide berth around me. Granted I was actually highly contagious.

So it was on Melbourne Cup day of 2015 that I got diagnosed with chicken pox (which I dubbed it as birdie pox). I was quarantined at home for 2-3 weeks. It wasn't too bad, cause for the first few days I was feeling really sluggish. Reading, playing my games, reading, sleeping, eating, reading. I couldn't eat anything else but porridge.

Even then, I couldn't eat mushrooms with it and pork floss because my mother was afraid of the contents. Old folk's myth or something, but hey, I didn't want to take a risk.

I've been out and about now for about 2 weeks. Scabs have fallen off and scars remain. I don't know if it will ever go away (because it's a scar after all) but I surely hope it will because there are 3-5 marks on my face. I never did scratch it but I guess in my sleep I might have nudged it a little. I don't know.

November is coming to an end, and this is the last weekend before my mother arrives on Tuesday. We are going to Tasmania for a while the next weekend... and then for a week and a half, that'll be the last of it that I'll be spending in this house that I have lived for 4-5 years.

I'm sad, but there is hardly any other way. Or maybe there is, but all the plans have been made to leave. So I guess this is just about it.

I'm going back. At least, home is where my parents are.
I'm going home.

Life is but a dream

Only 16 days have passed since I last posted an entry here? Well, it does feel like a significant amount of time have passed.

We went camping last weekend, and I don't think I was expecting anything like it at all. I reckon each one of us were too spoiled by the toilet facilities and lights always available in Singapore.

Our faces were pulled into a grimace when we looked into the toilet bowls, and when it was all lights out, I don't think we were expecting it to be That dark purely because I don't think any of us were ever exposed to that level of darkness in the wilderness. Nevertheless, it was an experience............... that I will never want to have it again unless it is with a bigger party.

The drive was fun, and we came back the next day and I puked everything out. Ha ha ha. It sure brought me back to the day my flight was delayed and I had food poisoning.

Nope. Nope. Nope.

Have I confirmed anything here at all? I am most certainly leaving on the 5th of December. Whoop, I guess this is it.

Melbourne Cup Day

It's the first day of October today. Oh, hang on. The second. 

Only about three more months left before 2015 ends, and about two and a half, my mom swings by for the last time to stay in this house before we all leave as one. 

The weather has been some sort of a whirlwind romance between the hot and cold. It is like every time you think it is safe to keep the long sleeves, tucked away somewhere you don't have an easy access to - the cold blast hits you and you're scrambling for the top shelves to get those long sleeves out. But hey, at least the biting cold is out of the way. 

(Just a little sad I did not get to use my alpaca hoodie as often I would have liked)

It's quite a lovely day today. The sun is out, and there is still a slight cool breeze in the air. I am dreading summer where I don't have an access to the air conditioning. But rough it out, hey?

I've been having really really strange and vivid dreams. Could be part of what I am watching, reading and feeling. There is always a similar theme in all these dreams and I think I might be lonelier than I'd dare to admit. Sometimes I wonder if I am still a little in love with the past and I am trying to live in denial, and maybe this is how it was supposed to be and not the kind I was used to in the past where it bordered on the line of dysfunctional. It's been a while since I have dated, and often, I wonder who will I date next? And if I will treat her the same way I treated my past. Always a push and pull, and the word of "goodbye" always on the tip of my tongue. 

Maybe it's my nonsensical perception of ideals. I have no idea. But I really do hope that I will treat my future with more respect and dignity than I ever did in my life and I hope that I am more brave than before. 

Time will tell. Now, I will just focus on making myself happy. ........ Not in the way you're thinking, obviously. 

Onward to happier me!

Supergirl

I've decided, recently, to use whatever paper I have on hand or any available empty notebooks carried over from before to store my musings in writing form.

I know right? I saved $10 that way and I think I am quite proud of myself (though it's not that big a deal tbh really).

I'm at Victoria Market right now sitting at aa cafe I used to frequent all those years ago. And, it has really come a full circle hasn't it?

I've been walking to Brunswick, I am working out religiously, I am taking the green drink again and now I am here at a cafe where I used to go just for the heck of it. It was dog friendly, still is, but I don't have a dog.


Spoke to my mother the other day, and I think the departure date is more or less set. All I have left to do, is to book my flight.

January 6th, the day my lease ends, possibly.

I don't know what else I can say here what I haven't already written down somewhere. Oh, one more thing to add would be that I am even blogging back at my old space.

I'm gonna miss this place, but I don't think I will not adapt to the new surroundings so slowly. Or maybe, I don't know. I guess we will know when the time comes.

And dear buddy, don't you cry

Nothing much in particular, except that maybe I've gotten myself another job. I can't help but think maybe that it was a perfect timing, considering how I was due to pay for my fine and I was almost on the verge to start worrying.

I've been leading a lackadaisical life, not really worrying about anything else other than my alarms and workout times.

Everyone's going back, everyone whom I know and possessed the same dream with me to stay here and start a life - except maybe Jodi, but I still think she'll be going back at the end of the day unless someone sponsors her.

Winter should be coming to an end, if it hasn't already. With the cold weather gone, it took away my sense of lethargy, hopelessness and filled it with more purpose and more gusto. I used to wonder how exactly this particular author committed suicide because the weather was always gloomy, and in general, that town had quite a lot of suicide rates. Not that I was thinking of committing suicide, but I understand now that external circumstances really can make a difference.

It's September now, and less than 6 months later, I will most likely find myself packing to go back. Can't say I am happy to leave, but I can't exactly say I am sad either. Emotionssssss.

It's funny how sentimental and emotional I can be, when all my life I really just didn't want to care so much about anything and everything because it'll really just be easier if emotions were not involved in any sense. It's also really funny that my close friends think I have the ability to just drop a person and move on with my life, and that they worry that I might be caring too little. If anything, I think they should be worrying that I really care too much.


Shows to take note of come 2016:
- Person of Interest
- The 100


I just hope I remember when the time comes!!!

The Wire

Well,  if this isn't the first time I'm typing out something on my phone...  

I pulled my back muscle the other day. Can't decide if I should say it as such since it usually takes ages to recover and now I'm not feeling too bad. But anyway, point is, I injured it the other day and I swear, you never realise what you've got on you before you kinda lose it. I did not lose my back, but I have never really considered the importance of it (yes I know).. Like I didn't think it'll hurt so much with a minor strain. I could barely get off my bed, or put on my pants. I needed the wall to support me. And even a simple task such as retrieving something from a lower drawer had me cringing. 

W

O

W

And, I couldn't lie on my bed being a baby about it either cause inactivity makes it worse. Yeah, I found that out the hard way. I've always been more mindful of my legs, but now I definitely possess a whole new level of appreciation for my back. I know, I know, the back.. Your spinal cord plays like one of the hugest part of your body functions. But really, it's always something that huge an importance that makes you just overlook it's importance really, or basically underestimate it. 

I'm all better now, and I think the back strain came at a good time as any. I paused my gym membership (because of that damn fine) to save some cash and taking the opportunity to enjoy the sun..  I found myself taking time to enjoy life just a little more. I went out for walks, and yesterday found me trekking a familiar route (but still getting lost anyway) and stumbled upon royal Park. 

I think I'd love to do it again. Maybe over the weekend or smth, not that sure. We will see. 

I don't really know how much I've typed above. I can only see like ¹\¹00 of how the length but who cares?  

I am sitting downstairs my block having a cuppa, enjoying the warmer weather today. And I've really really decided to go back. I don't wish to be apart from my family anymore. 

Mmm. 

Now I just need to remember that sentiment whenever I get pissed off.

I do wish to thank God for giving me life. Hahaha. Random. 

But thankful, that's how I wanna live for the rest of my life. 

let me feel your fire

I wonder how it'll be like this time next year.

Will I be working in a job I actually enjoy? Will I be the same as how I am? Will I be feeling the same as how I am feeling at this time of the year?

I wonder, I wonder.

I feel like the longer I work at my current work place, the more I feel undervalued, and I feel like my knowledge of what I actually learnt in uni is slowly dwindling. I am slowly being overcome by insecurities, my fears and my inadequacies.

It's always so easy to surrender to those feelings. But I must remember that this isn't my battle to fight. If there's a battle, it isn't mine to fight. Although if there is a battle to be fought, it had already been fought for and won. And now, all I really need to do is claim my victory.

Now, I just have to remember all this on a daily basis. As I say, it is always so easy to fall into a self deprecating stance, but I know, I know, the battle has already been won and now I just need to claim My victory.

That being said, I got my infringement notice just today. If only they work fast in everything else... (obviously still not over the fine.)

My whole body is aching, and I really just want to merge with my bed and not move for an entire day.

I actually can't wait to get back to my family in Singapore. I know there'll be days where I really wish I am back here because there is this sense of serenity that Singapore just can't replicate.. and my room is really just not my room back there. ..but as I told my mother a few days back, home isn't quite so home here without them.

definitely still not over the fine

strong in the broken places

I have 10001 books to read, but I am still fresh from jumping one ship to another (hahahaha). Fan fiction be the bane of my existence, or rather the existence of my literature mind.

Went out last night, and I mentioned that the timing and the weather surrounding the outing is a measurement of how much I actually treasure/love/whatever the person because as a rule of thumb, you don't see me outside after dark (during winter only) and when it's raining, of course you wouldn't because it means it is colder than it usually is (again during winter only).

(I still can't get over the fine like to be honest with anyone or my future self)

So we all went out last night to meet one of Jay's friend, one whom I met earlier this year. Jodi and I started talking and I mentioned that our dream here was so much like the much talked about American dream in the past. We were all (too) optimistic about the job prospects here, the life we intended to live and here we are, scrimmaging from day to day, hoping our work covers for the roof above our head, our stomachs and everything else included. I don't think I regret it at all, but if anything, I am tired of the life here where my life hangs on the balance on the number of hours I get each week.

I had a fighting spirit but with each day that passes, I feel a little more out of wear and it almost feels like I am fighting a losing battle.

AND LET'S NOT FORGET THE ABSOLUTE BITTERNESS OF HAVING A FINE WHEN I AM ALREADY JUST BARELY SCRAPING THROUGH.

...

I think maybe the point of this entry today is to rant about my bitterness. I think it's gonna be in my head till the infringement notice comes and 28 days passes thereafter.

On a sidenote, Jay was really sweet. She offered to lend me some money and bought me chocolates. But I don't think I want to accept any help especially when it's something that I could have easily circumvented by crossing the road to rid of that damned cigarette butt.

How do I break this news to my mother? "Hi Mother, just to let you know, no worries there, but I got caught littering just the other day. Oh no biggie, the amount is but only 300 dollars. Maybe more, maybe less. Can I go back now?"

But honestly, I never knew that they had a fine imposed on littering. I've been here for at least 5 years, 4 of which I was smoking I think, and never once in the whole entire time where I flung my cigarette butt all around that I got caught. And to be really honest, I thought I was doing the firemen a favour because their bins catches fire so easily with them lighted butts and seeing a huge ass fire engine in the background with 2 firemen in their full uniform putting out a fire..... in a bin...

Honest to God, I just thought that throwing it on the ground was less likely to catch a fire that would wipe out a city.

I guess not.

But of course. 300 fine for that ignorance.











SOBS

Natural Disaster

Remember how I thought that my mom was telepathic? Turns out half the population turned out to be pretty telepathic - in the sense that my dad texted me asking about my wellbeing, my oldest sister also messaging me asking about my wellbeing and admitting to having thought about me those few days. Then another friend texts me as well...

It's almost strange because we can all go on for a few months with absolutely no contact (and I actually am okay during those periods) and then the time swings by where I felt absolutely low and lousy, and suddenly an influx of messages arrives. Maybe it's not exactly telepathy... maybe it's an unknown pull or something. I actually think I know what that is.

So, I want to commemorate today since I got a fucking fine for littering. I absolutely had no idea that we get fined here, and yes, it's totally my fault that I got fined but yeah, I seriously had no idea otherwise I would have totally been more cautious about it. Alas, I got fined not only for my laziness but also my ignorance of the law of where I wanted to stay.

I think everything is just pushing me to leave, leave, leave and leave. I wonder if I will ever get to stay in a place where it's cold and all I want to do is curl up by the fire. Ha ha ha and then fast forward to the thoughts of me just not liking the cold That much... because it hinders me from going to the gym (cause seriously, when it's so cold, the last thing you want to do is get out of your comfort zone - that is the house).

Anyway, just in case the future me forgets in a year to come. Please don't forget that you like the show The 100 and if you haven't watched the 3rd season, I hope you do soon. Or if the time has come for the last season, you better be watching all of it. I DO NOT CARE HOW BUSY YOU ARE.

Go out a little less.

On the other note, I am so broke. But I do believe things will turn out for the better for me.

....


300$ fine for littering. I H8 MYSELF SO MUCH.

I am starting to think my mother has a little bit of telepathy in her or something. There were days where I just did not contact her, or anything, but mostly due to because of my workload and study load and she did not really question my disappearance. It was only the past two weeks, where I just didn't feel like talking that she questioned my whereabouts, what was I up to.

And she had my older sister ask me if I was okay when I simply just did not feel like replying then. I felt bad when I finally replied when my mother told me she fell sick during the week and she wondered about me.

It made me wonder if our physical distance made us closer, and if and when I go back, would I still be as aware of her wellbeing and daily events as I am now?

My heart took a little dive when my mother also told me she put in some money in my bank account just in case I run out of it soon.

Pah!

hustler

It is almost hilarious - the way I want to leave, when I can do nothing but stay or the way I want to stay, when I can do nothing but leave. 

Lately, I've been feeling a little too constricted in this space. It almost feels like I am trapped and I hated that feeling. I felt like I was on a highway, and having just missed my exit.. I have to wait for the next one. 

Of course, nobody really gets how my brain works. Here's a tip, nobody really understand themselves anyway. 

I don't really feel like talking to anyone, not anybody that's not here. I am too far, and I just feel so disconnected and irrelevant. 

I realize I just wanted to write, write something, write something and keep it somewhere. I miss writing, like the traditional way of actually writing something down. Alas, I haven't found a book I wanna write in. But here isn't that bad either, it makes up for less baggage when the time comes where I have to leave this place. Figuratively, and literally speaking. 

I am mostly tired of working for other people, having my life subjected to their liking and approval. I really want to be my own boss, and lately, I think that's really where my next step should be. I shouldn't be finding a place to fit in, more like finding a place where I don't fit in and invite everyone to fit in with me. 

Ha! 

I am not a follower, but a leader. Not a follower, but a leader. 

Not a follower. 

I am a leader. 

It was like I was in a box, tightly capped. It was a darkness I grew to be comfortable with, a space I was contented with. Nobody could come in, and I wasn't intending to go out either.

Alas.

You opened the lid, and beckoned me to come out. I didn't want to, but you waited, you hung around, and waited for me to stretch out  my hand. You allowed me to grow used to being out in the open like that. It was okay, it was okay to be exposed to the sun, to the fresh air. It almost felt like I belonged.

Now, as I sit inside the box again, with the lid opened this time - I think about you, and how you pulled me out.

It was a dark place there, wherever I was at.

You brought me out, just by being there.

REALiTi

My dad picks the worst timing to ever talk about how many more years he most likely have before he lets out his final breath. ... Then again, is there ever a right time with me? I detested spending alone time with my father because you never know what comes out of his mouth next. 

Imagine, a 5 years old me crawling up to my dad in bed for a snuggle in the morning and he tells me he isn't young anymore and he was going to die. It was somewhat the truth, I knew that - and maybe that was why I hated it so much because I was utterly helpless. 

My dad mentioned it again while he was here. I might be much older now but the emotions stirred up from within is still the same. I looked away. I stayed quiet, I refused to look at anyone in the eye because I was afraid of being caught with a vulnerable soul laid out there in a crowded place. 

My parents are still here with me in the sense that they haven't died but they have gone back and I'm here. If I'm already feeling this empty with just their temporary departure, how am I going to remain strong when we say our final goodbyes?

I don't think I can ever really bring myself to mean to say I did all I can, I treasured their presence and everything because if I did, I wouldn't be going against the current and staying apart from them. 

When I came to that conclusion, for some reason I feel like I answered the question that plagued my entire stay here. 

It was my mother's 60th birthday last week. I didn't realise it until I wished her, that 15 years have gone by since the last time I remembered her age in my head. For the longest time, whenever I think about my mother's age (or even if someone asks me), the number 45 comes up. Not exactly sure why, but I am gonna pin it all on because that was about the last time I asked her age.... which means I was 9 then.

Time flies, and it's been 5 years or so since I've spent her birthday in person with her. For those times I was here, it was either a phone call or a text. This year, I got to wish her in person. It was nothing dramatic at all, we were just lying in bed doing our own things when I turned to my side to greet her. The way it happened was as though we were simply talking about where we were going the next morning - like an everyday event. Nonetheless, I got up early the next day to buy some presents and cakes. I wanted to take her out for dinner but her words - as always - were, "Wait till you start working."

So my dad came over too and I (officially) graduated the next day. It was a long time coming, and all my thoughts were... why was I doing this? Sure, it could be a one time life event, seeing as how I am most probably not gonna be studying anymore. To me, it felt like just a certificate or something. Putting on a gown, going on stage.. all that stuff. It almost felt like a drag, and I was afraid of going up on stage that when there was a very high chance that I might miss the whole ceremony, I was partially relieved.

I remember coming out of the place with this unfamiliar piece of clothing on my head and body, and walking over to my parents. (They looked so out of place, yet they were the only thing familiar to me). Both my parents' faces lit up, and I suddenly realised that this whole graduation ceremony was for them. To see them that happy, I felt utterly happy too and I felt like I finally did something right in my life. Whatever stage fear I had, it all melted away because that gave me a sense of confidence that just being here, everything was right and nothing could go wrong. And, all those times I felt like a burden was gone.

Nothing went wrong. The ceremony happened, and we headed back. My dad holding on my certificate like a prized possession, my mom being in high spirits. It was possibly one of the happiest days in my life - seeing my parents that happy, and knowing I was the reason for all of that. I don't think anything else can ever top that.

So there's that.

(I have graduated!!!!!)

mothership arrives

I can't decide if the recent 'depletion with no replenishing option yet' event was a good thing. It sucks because I find myself more restrained than ever, but at the same time, I am looking at things in a totally different way. I did not buy things as readily as before, because it came down to a question of "Is this a want or a need?"

Yes, I guess it made me more thrifty (which is always a good thing).

I was clearing out my room the other day, and then I realised how reluctant I am to throw shit away. There's always a reason for something to stay, "This sock was given to me by mom, doesn't matter if it's about 6 years old. No holes, no go."

I used to call my dad a hoarder, but I am starting to see why certain things just can't go as easily. I am keeping all these things given by my folks because Lord knows when a particular item would be their last and I wanna keep every single thing. I guess we are all sentimental like that.

On another note, my mother will be arriving in 12 hours!

sentimental

It's always the case where I find myself with too much words to say that I needed to pen it down and when I finally get down to it, my mind fails me. 

It's that way right now. Earlier, I wanted to write the things I would have if I had a proper diary to write it down but now even then, I can't find the words to express my thoughts. 

A month and more has passed ever since I came over to forge a new life. Except, right now, with no legal rights given to work, I can't do anything else but sit back and play (and wait for my visa to be granted). That would have been a very welcoming description of a life to choose except it sucks if you only have money flowing out of you rather than incoming. My mother is coming over in a matter of days, and I have absolutely no idea on how am I gonna break it to her that the money she gave me... they're slowly but surely finishing. 

This morning, I woke up with the smell of (specifically, fried) food in my room. In between slumber and conscious state, I thought I was back in Singapore for a while. In a few moments, I imagined I would hear my mom knocking on my door to wake me up. Later, I would hear my dad calling everyone else to come and eat. I would pull myself awake and get out - to be greeted by the familiar humidity in the air and my dad sitting there with the wooden chopsticks clasped in his hands. He would smile that familiar grin and tell me to "Come eat". My mom would be going back and fro from the kitchen to the dining table carrying different types of food she prepared with each trip. 

I know my answer would always be, "Don't want, I am going out for a run." But today, just today, I would have traded anything to just be greeted with that familiar scene and instead say, "Let me brush my teeth first." 

I am 24 now. Nothing's changed except for the number of years I've lived. 

01

As I lay here on this bed I've been missing for the past month... I feel an anchor. If it did not feel right to stay, then why do I find myself wishing I was someplace else tonight? Is this a feeling I always had and did not acknowledge or am I just different this time around?

I genuinely thought I had nothing much to say, or nothing left to say. It was only when I stared out of the window last night as the plane rolled out of its bay that I realised I still had tears to shed along with words of honesty.

I don't particularly wish for someone else there to hear me out. More than anything, I wish I was there to hear me out.

Hold back the river, let me look into your eyes

I'm still here.

Now it feels like I've overstayed my welcome in this place. It feels weird - almost scary how I can switch from one end to the other.

About 4 years on

Almost 4 years have passed since I last blogged here. I wish I could truly mean it when I say I am a different person as before - but looking at past posts... the only thing that changed is the date on the calendar and my age. I'm still the - emotionally stunted - person as before. 

Sometimes I wish I could pack my feelings into boxes, categorize them and take them out only when it's appropriate. Then again, maybe not. 

Maybe one day I'll come back a better (different) person. 

the show is over

i'm the kind of person that wishes for smth to happen and when it finally happens, i wonder why did i even wish it in the first place. take my current situation now. i kinda missed being sick and now that i am, i am feeling hot and cold and nauseous and sane all at the same time.
today, someone had an intention of passing me medicine and even if the medicine never got to me, i felt like that someone passed me the medicine anyway. its the thought that counts right? k. my dog just conveniently placed his ass in my face. goodnight im going to merge with me bed.

Hi Charis, I may be miles away from you, but yknw, I'm always here for you, whenever you need me to. A few more months till we hang out at my playground ok? This time we will arrange an earlier timing so I won't be so tired out and my mom wouldn't be an unhappy bitch and my flight wouldn't be the next day. Dk what else to give you, but I guess a virtual kiss on yr forehead? It will be okay.
:)

p.s. we are going to have an awesomeeeee christmas, wait for me!

I wonder what is it like from yr point of view, what is really going thru yr head. And I know I have to be on my toes most of the time now, bcos if I let slip anything, I will fall back. I had this long essay typewritten out in my head, but I'm thinking, it's not right. I just finished time traveler's wife, I feel like a friend of mine died. I don't always feel that. You're the book I never wanted to finish but I had to anyway even if I really hated the way it ended. I'm back to thoughts being all over the place, bcos right now, my mind can't just stay in one place, in one timezone. And I'm going to ikea tmr, rmb to get the bed thingy for stephy and ironing board for charissa. I need to go for a run tmr, bcos it is the only thing I found constant, to keep me sane. I'm not sad.

"Don't you think it's better to be extremely happy for a short while, even if you lose it, than to be just okay for your whole life?"

My posts do not necessarily mean it is directed to anyone that reads this. But anyway, here's one fo'sure. From my pov, when you start anything with someone new, start with a clean start. Try as you might to not have any soft spots for anyone else, bcos if you do, it's more than likely going to hinder anything you're going to have. Well for me at least, I don't think I can start to really feel anything for someone else if I still have someone I have a soft spot for.

I am surprised by how calm I dealt with reality now that I am back, obviously there is still this wooooooooahouch feeling but yknw, I'm happy if you are. And I'm happy if you are. That's for anyone and everyone that I care about unless you're the indian that stays opposite me or the china lady behind the store bcos well, I don't exactly care whether you're dead or alive.

Ok. Shall try to stop being racist, since there is an increasing number of indians involved in conversations I'm having with people and I met a really friendly indian earlier.
But for now. .. . . . . ...
I shall go running, I love running. Literally. Not figuratively. And I miss my friends.

I'm ready to go, I'm not ready to leave.

So right now, I'm doing what I do best currently. I'm reading(listening) to what someone else has to say. I'm just thinking.. If I listened a bit more and not run away a few years back, you might have been different and not how you are right now. I talk about you like you don't matter but. You do. I still have this feeling that you turned out this way bcos of me and right now .. I guess I'm being selfish by avoiding you altogether now.

I'm leaving tonight for another 6 months, it's nice to know that people I have hung out with almost everyday since I came back are going to miss me when I'm gone even if it's just 6 months. And as for you, you don't even know I came back and I would like to leave it that way. I guess, I still miss how you used to be even if it was a long time ago.

1. "it's not that I like her that I am excited, I just want to know how is she doing"
2. Be careful, if you're not too good in playing the game, you might just get yr fingers burnt.
3. ouch.

I like changes, but not all the time. I like twists in a story, but not this one. I like a book, but I don't like it if the author gets confused and changes the direction of where the story is going every other time. The last time I was here, everything was almost perfect. I had my room, with my star up there, I had the time of my life and my father still had his complete set of teeth (haha). I think I like it here bcos it's a vacation get away from Melbourne. And I have lost whatever that was in my head.

Approximately one more week till I head back.

This is really confusing. But. Actually. Nothing has changed, we just got a clearer view of what we really want.

So hi 2011. You have brought me happiness and frustration thus far but it's okay, I went to church today and I believe good things will happen.
2011, I'm turning 20 in a foreign land and chances are, I will be too when I turn 21. Home hasn't exactly been an ideal environment since my return but it's the closest I can get. And thank you for making the end of 2010 sweet and fun. You have been of great company to me and I adore you more than just a little. It's too early for me to say anything other than PUKA, but one can only hope. You're different and I wasn't kidding.

If you saw things thru my eyes, you would knw how scared I am to cross this line.
Idk how my 98% seriousness faded off to .... Right now, you just can't seem to leave my mind. But it just doesn't feel right, esp when he's my good friend who obviously still wants you back. And somehow, I feel like I should be moping around for a bit more and you too. But then again, I feel like it's just it. I can make things for the best, I can be yr happily ever after for now. I'm looking at you in another way I didn't use to, I'm feeling smth somewhat stronger from the past. But I'm scared to. I'm so scared I'll screw this up and this time, I'll lose you fo'real.
......
I just feel like hiding in a hole.

the time is now

There’s always a difference between having a girlfriend, even if you guys communicate less than 10 sentences a day and argue for that 9 sentences, and not having one. Even if you two have been arguing and quarreling, there is this invisible string/thread that ties the both of you to each other and no matter how thin the thread has become bcos of how much you two have faded.. It’s still there so long you both knw that you two are still in it.

-

I can feel the heartache coming on, the familiar heartache everytime smth unpleasant happens to us. Can’t deny that I am a little relieved bcos it’s true we have been going on like this for a while and it’s causing more than just a bit of strain. Can’t say the same to how much I/’ll miss you bcos you have indeed been a huge part of my life and you have indeed been the hardest I’ve fought for. I still don’t knw how I agreed to put myself thru so much for someone I couldn’t really see the first time I saw her. But, thank you bcos.. You have opened up a side of me I never thought I would ever again. I did not have much but I gave you the best of me. You kinda showed me that one can still love someone even no matter how ugly the past was. We had our differences all along but those differences showed up at the later stage bcos we didn’t want to compromise. We were the best but we lost ourselves along the way. I guess I wanted to feel like I could be the one you change for, not so much of bcos I couldn’t accept who you really are.

I may have strayed in my thoughts, my eyes, but my heart was yrs to keep right from the start. You were the queen of my heart.

I reckon we would might have been able to work out if we had been older, promises of forever and always would have been easier to keep and we would have dealt our differences with a higher level of maturity. Or at least for me. We are young, I am young, but I meant it anyway when I asked if you would marry me.

Thank you for keeping my heart in a safe place for the past 2years. Here’s yours, keep it safe, give it to someone that will treat it better than I did.

-

But once you guys agree that you two are done, the string snaps that second you two say yr goodbyes.

-

For now.

I guess all I’m really saying is .. We are done.

-

Take care.

Love, Me.

Last night, I fell in love without you

Whoop so I dreamt you were freaked out by the things I did.
You're asleep and I wonder if you're having a sweet dream. Could be anything in the world..
Yr exams are coming soon, I'm sorry for spilling out on you like that.
Hope yr house issues don't get to you, I promise to help you. All you need to do is rmb that I'm here and I have the ability to help.
I uh, miss you. But lately these iloveyous imissyous are 1/10 in a hundred words we speak to each other.
I guess it bothers me abit that I tweet abt you, I write abt you(not here) and you basically have all the affection for everyone else in the world.

You knw how it feels when you're holding sand and it just slips right out of yr palms?
You're the sand in my palm.

If you're reading this at all, I hope you have a good day today. I kept you in my heart and I hope you never go away.
I love you.

I wish we could fall in love all over again.

TGIF, it's the end of the week. But I have work piling up and exams coming soon .. I feel like I have a lot of time that I'm not using it wisely. I spend it getting my emotions wrecked and let it affect my mind while I'm suppose to be concentrating, I get distracted by technology. I wonder if I am bipolar. I was in a state of I just wanna shower you with all the love I had in the world, but now. I'm in a state of .. I just wanna go for a run and study and run and study and the cycle continues.

So this is locked up or I reckon it is. I wish I could be indifferent to how indifferent you were to me. I'm sorry.

2235

Today felt a tad weird. But anyway. I'm thinking if I should lock this up. Should I?

so, stand close to me, dont sail away baby

I just saw a mother n son on a holiday, makes me feel like having one with my mom. .. Looked back two years ago and realized how different I was from the current me. We used to talk for hours on end, now it is as though whatever we say don't interest each other anymore. Or I could be just as paranoid.

So I got up early, ate my breakfast and cleaned up my house did my chores, spent a good 15 mins solely on playing with my dog. Not alot but still. I haven't got that much homework done as well but I feel a tad more productive bcos I am not so confused over what to do for my essay anymore.

(Hi Sharene Lau, you're abt the only other besides idk who reading this, can't let you knw enuff that you're beautiful to me. And you're my one and only, I love you)

Another week

Today is a new beginning to another week of school. Nothing much really happened except that I feel extremely unproductive today and it's making me feel really guilty.
Thr was this period of time whr I could follow this routine of sleeping at 1030 and getting up for sch, and jog and study. I don't recall myself having any happy/sad moments during that period of time but at least I got things done. I was disciplined, so disciplined. I wonder how I did that, and I really wish I can get that self back but with a little more balance. First up, I shall get up early to exercise and have brekkie and start on my work. I'm really looking forward to going home but I am afraid of the changes I might need to face when I get back. And if you knw me, I don't really like that much changes in my life even if they are good.
Note, don't let insecurities get to you. Another note, trust no one. Third note, rmb all of that.

I knw you can read this from right behind me

But go on. I miss those red cushions in my room where I sit and read stupid blogposts and type equally stupid blogposts that don't matter 2 years ltr. I feel like I've lost all my friends since I came over.And uh. I knw you knw this place now, it's late and sch starts early in the morning for both of us. We should sleep although I am in the mood of going sleepless and force myself to run a long while tmr. I miss the culinary sch in terms of me being so tired, I can't even think. Everyone has their own life period

It's like I was sharing a secret and you eavesdropped.

That book is somewhat like my best friend whom I update every few months. I'm not afraid of what you might find out of what I thought abt you and everyone else. But more like.. You saw into the deepest darkest side of me I've been trying to hide from everyone else. And I'm not proud of that side of me, I am ashamed.

You knew me then, you know me now.

Catch me.

I've got a notion that...

Today isn't going to go very well.
You kinda never knw when's the last time that will happen till it happens. Or rather, when it doesn't happen again.

Ah, it's a Sunday and I feel like slping it away except that I need to be Suwati.
So, have a good day all you bored ppl reading this boring entry! (haha)

No I wasn't awake thru out

Just a while ago, I saw a lizard just outside my room. I panicked and then I unknowingly locked myself out of the room while preventing it from going it into my room.
Smart move.

Ok, fine shut up and goodnight.

Well, hello.

Today was fun, thank you M (:
Now now, time for me to change my bedsheet and go to bed early.

*.*

Today's good. Very good. Hahahaha can't wait for tonight.

11:11

The night's still pretty young and I'm alr packed for sch, almost ready for bed.
Just when I don't need that much of it, I feel like I have all the time in the world now.
My brother's going away tmr for 3months, time's going to fly (like how it always does) and before I knw it, he's going to be back.


Back to square 1

Ah, alright. I think I'm going to slp.
Goodnight, world. Sweet dreamzzz.

Today's a good day

It's 5. I'm done with sch and I've alr taken a nap.
It has been good for today, I got to spend the whole entire time with my favourite 2 (1 was missing). Hahaha hopefully it'd be the same for the whole week....
Nvm, let's all skip sch on fri!!!!! :D

Goodnight.

I got up at 6 plus today to talk to nocturnal animals..... Hahaha. No la I was woken up by the incredibly heavy rain this morning and talked to Steph for a minute or two before I fell back aslp.
So... Today I'm going to cook for my mom. :S
Whooo.. Hoo?

Man, bcos of sch, I'm getting up way earlier than I usually do. And it's perfectly fine with me if I can fall back aslp?
Anywayyyyy, I got to watch benjamin buttons on my new tv last night, awesomeeeeee.

I don't need to be a genius to know

It's finally the end of this rather.. Nauseating week. (TGIF!)
Yeh I fully rmb what I said. But somehow, I think the ride has ended.
It has been a pretty good roller coaster ride, don't you think? But it's probably time for a break.
And hey, don't mind, let me take a detour?
You knw the term: Out of sight, out of mind..
Except that, this can hardly get out of my mind. So, to really take a break, I am going to have to take a different route and not pass this ride; keeping it out of sight will make it less tempting to ride it again.

Whatever it is, today's a good day and I won't let negative emotions ruin it.
I got up rather awake for my exam today and I was there just in timeeee.
I wasn't expecting anything good since I missed ytd's lesson.. But siaaaa laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa I did muchhhh better than expected siaaaaaaaaaaaaaa hahahaha

Whoo, hello weekend!

I can never get used to it

I had a really really queer dream I could have mistaken it for real if not for the weather feeling like HK inside there and me actually being good friends with the other party.


"I'm sick of trying my fucking best just to be second best."
Or even better, be the best and lose to second best.

I am so..................... Tired today and I want to crawl into bed right now except that I have yet to do so many things.

Hello world,

Although it has been pretty much getting up at 0555 for sch each day whr I reach before everyone else and leave after everyone else.. My life has been pretty good actually (pms ftw!)
I had a hair cut today, my fringe is so short I feel so uncomfortable with it.
I went window shopping. Money pls drop from the sky, I want to buy clothes that I won't have enough time to wear.

My parents are away at Genting.. My sister is out creating havoc.. She probably has like so many sex bands on now waiting for... HAHA nah, it's just an accessory and.. Wha? This coming week,
My brother will be going to somewhr that makes bombs.
Ok I guess at least if smth goes horribly wrong, he will return with a different belief and bombs and not.. uh, swine flu?

Maybe you're right and.. Maybe I'm on the wrong track.
Sometimes things are better left unsaid?
But I'm sorry. I just didn't mean to shut you out.

Fuck?

Pls don't make it into me avoiding you altogether.

I just got back from sch not that long ago but I desperately wanted to get out like... A few mins earlier only.
Don't mind, I'm trying to not let this dampen the happy feel I had since ytd.
Anyway, I was the big joker today that got to sch early and ready except that I forgot my knives set so my dad hadto rush back to get it for me. (Thank God for parents really)
And I was literally the mascot for the day as well, I stood outside the academy greeting welcome to everyone while waiting for my dad to arrive.

I don't think anybody will be interested in how my day actually went bcos basically, I just cooked potatoes in different forms and made pasta from scratch that miraculously turned out good.
Oh eh, I just told you abt it.

If things can go my way for once..

Complicated? Not that I can help it.
I have one that says this, the other that says that and another that says another thing.
So tell me, what should I even be thinking abt.
The more I am not wanting to be the kind that will do that, the more I am becoming.
It isn't fair even if there isn't anything to lose..

Ok, I am receiving comments abt my blog being emo. Hey I'm ok!
I am just abit grumpy over my sch's timetable.. And how I think life is taking me for a ride.
There's hardly a smooooth journey.

Sch tmr, joy joy joy.

I am so proud of myself, I took a nap for.... 2 fucking hours.
But I think I'm going back to slp somemore bcos I hear someone whom I don't really feel like dealing with right now.

K, goodnight, again.

Prove me wrong

Who would have thought that a few years back, they were on the verge of a final break up.
-

It's going to be Monday all over again.
Sch's really fun except that the timings of everything are really.. Horrible.
My parents are going to Genting (again, yes again) this coming thurs.. My brother is leaving for somewhr the week after next.
Hopefully the next time I talk abt someone going somewhere.. It'd be me and "IM GOING TO SYDNEY!!!"

I'm trying to handle all these unpredictability
In all probability
....
Except that I think this is so predictable.

Almost.

And when you finally realize that.. It's too late.

Falling in... Falling out?

It's the weekend! I made it thru the first week of sch with barely 6 hours of slp each night.
Don't I deserve a pat on my backkkkkk.
Ok.. Not now. I am really tired that I think I'm rambling or going to start. So goodnight!

Huh what? It's only Wednesday.
Friday please come, Sunday whichever except a new Monday.
..................................... ........................ ........... . . . .. . . . . . . . . .. . .. .

Take a peek into my head and you'd see all the wonderful things I see abt.. You

IF YOU SEEK A-MY-LIFE

I hate it when certain ppl talk like they knw it all. Hey, do me a favor ok? Keep Quiet. Yeah, thanks.

Sch has started, joy.
I picture myself accidentally cutting my finger btw, but I don't really care for now......
I own a knives set now. Offend me? You die (even though I might end up stabbing myself instead)
I have a plan.. Nah. I don't have a plan.
Armed with just an ipod and with a pair of legs, I was facing one of my worst dilemmas.

18 so far

Here's a breakdown;
An hour into my bday.. I had a pleasant surprise and it was instantaneous Grinch no more.
I watched a 5star rated show in the afternoon and went Phuture with a bunch of friends and my sister at night.
I got high I got dry, I puked my guts out after drinking 2flaming in less than a min. (No thanks to Eme keep on going "FASTER FASTER")
Hahahaha but thanks all of you for making my 18th bday a good one :)

IM FINALLY LEGAL BABY

Seventeen Forever

I feel like the grinch y'knw. I think it's bcos I'm too slpy.
Orientation really sucked, imagine sitting in the same place for hourrrssssss.
No eh, not fun at all.

I am spending the last few moments of my 17 life.. Eating ice cream out of the tub. Ok, not really ice cream. I was digging out the raisins out of it. At this rate, I think my mom wont make ice cream/bread with raisins anymore.
My sister hates me for that too.

Haha ok I should really start feeling happy and embrace the coming of.. 18yearsold.
It's gonna be a good day!

One thing you got to knw,

Don't expect anything from me.

Its 0133 in the morning and I think maybe, I should stick to playing piano?

My parents are out of town!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Play last night was soso. Don't see how we can spend so much when I dont rmb my friends or I drinking That much.


If I don't think, does that mean I won't change my mind?

I don't even knw why I'm doing what I'm doing

I feel quite productive today.
Went to Ikea and I'm going to go again soon and return with bedsheets, mirror and whatever I saw and wanted (very fat hope)
Made yogurt ice cream (finally!)
Eh actually thats all. Wait! I helped out in some housework.
C'mon, how many of you actually do housework now......

"I kinda wish I never met her then I wouldnt knw what I was missing"

Whoo!!!!!!

I am incredibly tired but I am also quite happy bcos I finally got to knw why I was feeling the way I was.
And, I decided that on my bday, I will go buy toto.
Hahaha ok guitar heroes!!!

Quite funny, my sister's phone got ran over by a car.

"i kinda hate the whole i feel smthg about you but im not suppose to feeling"

1500 miles

I think too much, I think too much, I think too much.

A day late

It comes to a point whr I see 11:11 and I don't wish for the same thing anymore.

I was feeling so slpy, I was typing gibberish online so my friend decided to count the cycles of my slp cos I am sooo slpy.
So apparently, we slp in cycles of 90mins. Let's say you fell aslp at 10, one cycle would probably be from..10-1130. Breaking that cycle, it'd make you feel very tired which was what happened to me.

Do you feel happy you learnt smth new today? hahahaha
Good morning! (I nearly typed happy bday)

Straight to the point

This post shall be as straight forward as it can be;
Maybe the next time you see me, my hair colour will be different.
I don't feel like talking anymore bcos my english is degrading with every passing day.
I don't knw what I'm doing tmr! I don't feel like cleaning up with the staff all arnd..
Play next week! Anybody wants to go?
I wonder if this is straightforward enuff.

Today, my mom talked to me abt someone. I didn't believe that she could be doing that. Anybody could be doing that but just not her. No, not her. It's too close for comfort.

Wednesday I'm in love!

Saw the cutest thing alive ytd, they look better than chihuahuas.
Steph you get a chihuahua, I get that white one.
Cool, deal?

I predict today's going to be quite a lazy day. .. I still want my vans shoes leh.

Scratch that, MY IPOD IS WORKING NOW!!!!!!!!!
But that means, I don't have any more reasons to drink 10tequila shots to get rid of my sadness.

How can you still love me when you're out to get me!?

I don't care how limited my vocabulary is but I am very happy and very sad right now.
I am happy bcos I went on a spending spree.
I am sad bcos my ipod fucking hell died and I need to down 10tequila shots just bcos I came online.
No.. You don't love me. Hahahahaha

Good to go

I woke up feeling quite blah today, not enough slp and my mom constantly asking me qns in the morning. ... Actually nah, it was just me.
Haha ok! I headed down to Dempsey to visit sit entertain Steph haha (which failed bcos I am a bad entertainer) I went to queensway and got my shoes, Vivo.. Nearly walked out of the store with an overpriced shirt.
Eh I don't knw why I even bothered typing that chunk but I'm tooo lazy to press backspace.
Tmr!!! I am going to wake up early, head out for a run, Vivoooo for lunch and then holland Vvvvvv (I think?).


Hahahahahhaha I have a friend that just decided to jump onto the HSM bandwagon. Ok, not really. But she's watching HSM3 now.

Does anyone have the slightest idea if the Apr fool's virus is for real!?
This is a really jumbled up post.
HAPPY BDAY TANIA!
And, Happy Apr's Fool btw.
Somone just told me that this girl from my sec sch died. Best part is, I believed.