Tool

Today, I caught myself wiping away tears in secret because I did not want anyone to witness it.

It feels like a gaping hole sometimes. 

I am listening to songs that were played in repeat right at the beginning - when I was still figuring out what was happening. The apprehensiveness and the excitement of everything. And now, when I replay these songs - I feel a twist in my heart because after everything that has been said and done... 

I am just a tool to fill your void but you just wouldn't admit it. 

Time

 Time will tell. 

I was full of hate last night and utterly irrational. Today morning, I carried a little of hate and I carried a little irrational with me. All the things I am doing... is it worth it? Tho I recon there will never be a good outcome if we measured things in a black and white scale. If its worth it then I will do it. If not, then I will not. 

Cause sometimes even when it is worth every inch of you, sometimes it may not be enough. I may not know what I am talking about in the years to come. Some days I fear I forget why I exist and I forget my purpose. 

Yes, I am heartbroken in a way I can't tell anybody. I can't share the extent how much this hurts. I can only keep on smiling. And when I said I was not deluded, it was a lie. Nobody knows because she's right - I am that good a liar. 

Hurt

 I hurt, 

My heart hurts at a degree that I can't fathom. I am looking at myself in the mirror and I am blaming myself and everything and everyone in the world why did I not turn out another way? If I did, IF I DID - then one problem would have at least been solved. 
I never wrote  in my diary with such angst, and hate. But I did today and I hated every word and my very being. Can you feel my despair? Can anyone understand? Can you understand? To be limited because of your existence. 

likewise

 As mentioned more than a year ago, certain songs evoke a kind of emotions in you that you thought you have forgotten. 

I possess a certain kind of sadness when I am alone and she's right when she said, she worries a little when she leaves me alone. 

Because here I am alone - and thinking things that I promised I wouldn't. At the very same time, how can I not be thinking of those things when I am alone? 

It is exactly the reason I think about her that I start to think about other things - things that I know if I brought it up time and time again, it'd be the end of us. 

At the same time, we both know we don't have a future and everyday is every stolen moment. It suits the idealistic side of me when I am in the mood to just think about the events leading up to 23:59 on that very day. 

I am very well aware that the right thing to (always) do in this situation, it is to clench my teeth and let go. 

Can I bear to? Can I bear to? Can I bear to? 

How foolish.

Dreams

There are certain songs that evokes a certain kind of feeling within you. Like, the title of this post - it takes me back to a place where I was just sitting in my room and embracing the music that surrounded me. There might have been wine, and there might have been my sister commenting on something. There might have also been me in the background just nodding my head noncommittally cause I just wasn't paying too much attention to the words coming out of her mouth cause I was most likely on my phone.

This memory wasn't too long ago. Maybe late last year. But with how things are moving at a fast pace, sometimes what happened just yesterday felt like years ago.

And then there's the song named blue where there's no particular memory playing back as the song goes on. But you relate to the song and then now as you listen to the music and soak it in, this memory of you relating to the music will be the memory you play back in the multiple playbacks that is to come. 

New faces, I'm racin'
I'm fine but I'll never make it home
Sixth street for the occasion
Can't take all of the changes
Blue moon, in different phases
Blue moon, in different places

Just (very) impolite

It's like there's this hazy feeling, and I am just... tired. And I don't really know what to do or say either.

I just don't want to have to answer to anyone.

Hello 2020

Sometimes when I look back at my old posts, I can hear my younger self speaking.

And maybe when I look back at this in 10 years time, I will hear this - right now, speaking right back to me.

I was saying that I felt odd when I read older posts. I cannot describe the feeling because while you can remember (if this is related to your own posts), it is like - oh, you really felt that way? It is not necessarily a bad thing because our past made us who we are right now. Whether or not you remember at the tip of your fingers or if it is at the back of your head.

Sometimes when I look at myself in the mirror, I see my past self looking back at me too. The young child like wonder in those eyes whom never refused to grow up. Never wanted to conform. It is like we are but are we? She is asking me, why are you this way? I never pictured you to be this way. To be very very very honest, it has never ever once crossed my mind that I would be smoking and drinking. And at the same time, I will be saying - that's because you did not know all this back then. Oh - young sweet thing, I am sorry to have tainted you.

This blog has been with me for a decade. And intermittently while working earlier, I found myself scrolling through past pages and remembering how it felt back then. I have drifted away from most that I have mentioned and they are now, someone I used to know. And that is life how is too, isn't it? People come and people go. The people that are meant to stay, will always stay. We have all moved on.

And like I said, this blog has been with me for a decade. It has been with me through some really dark times, and it has been with me through some really confusing times and happy times. And right now, I am over the teenage angst and more of the tired working adult that has just started 2020, what with a slogan that repeats "same shit, different day". My older colleague made a casual remark, "this is a sign that you are old now". But I am only turning 29 this year (ha! a far cry from when I started this blog).

There's this younger part of me that is still screaming - "but life isn't supposed to be this way! It is supposed to be more than that!" but then there's the older - jaded - self that says, "maybe this is exactly where the rabbit hole ends, Bird. You thought there was more to wonderland, but maybe this is all there is to it. And there isn't anything more so don't hold out for anything more to save yourself from further misery."

Different renditions of past favourite songs are playing from my speakers right now. And maybe that is how life is in a sense. You replay same scenarios in different settings hoping for a different ending.

I want to go through the new year, celebrating the new year and not one year closer to death. Because with the aging population and what with the jaded sense in the air, I felt my flame dying out a little.

Huh.

Strange - I just felt like I said goodbye to my younger self as I took a closer look at my bedroom. I used to have a star, there was no tv, what used to be my desk is now my cabinet. What used to be orange walls with buildings is now white washed walls. What used to be two super single beds is now a queen bed. What used to be two red large cushions is now a desk. What used to be me thinking about whether I should run tomorrow is now me thinking I should be really getting to bed so I can concentrate at work.

hi

黄昏

Is anyone reading this?

h

e

What do I say?

What do I say??

What do I say???

"I made a mistake and I am continuing to make the same mistake."

-- 

l

Am I the only one that sees myself as truly incapable of doing something right or does everyone sees it in me to be doing everything right? 

 

-- 

p

What do I tell everyone?

On top of everything else, I am so sorry for I have disappointed you. All of you. I know everyone has/had high hopes for me because before me there was this, before that there was that... and then it's me now.  and I don't know what to say. 

I think I have disappointed myself the most and here I am, still trying to escape. 

--

.

cause and effect

I remember the first defeatist thought in my life - the one where I was leading but I was afraid and it let to... me not wanting to try harder or maintain the status quo because I was afraid of trying so hard only to fail in the end. And I can remember the exact same sequence and what happened and where it was and how I felt exactly.

And for some reason, I feel like this attitude has stuck around somewhat. The whole idea of just giving up before you actually go in further or putting in your best efforts and knowing that you did and losing it all despite all your best efforts and good intentions.

Anyhow, I am simply tired so don't mind me.

don't read, don't read.

They always say it does - but does it? Do everything matter in the end? We came with nothing, we leave with nothing.

I am usually on the brighter end of the spectrum but when you hear people comparing... and when you have already been trying to work yourself up here and then suddenly you feel like it's like you're at the top of the stack and someone removes one plank, and someone removes the next, and someone removes the next - and you just feel like a tile ready to fall into a pile of mess.

I ran till my chest couldn't take it any further and I also wonder if I stopped smoking, would I be better?

Don't read, don't read.

forever free

It's okay, we don't have to fix it now. 

I am physically tired - and well, I guess it contradicts the title of this.

I think I am okay generally, but sometimes like weird things and weird thoughts just makes me feel weird and then all of a sudden it feels like I have been thrown a curveball and it slapped me right across my face.

And then I gather my thoughts and stop myself from letting the negative thoughts take hold. It's hard, it's hard but I am trying.

And, surely that is better than nothing?

1%

Oh, but don't give much thought to the title because it's just a song that I have been listening to on loop.

And - clearly, after saying it all out, I realised how stupid the previous post sounded. Because if we were all just a little bit more upfront, a little bit more honest and a little bit more forthcoming - then we would have all saved ourselves that tiny bit of confusion and the heartache and the unnecessary insecurities that shouldn't have been brought up to the surface if we all just said something.

But that is the hardest part too, isn't it?

I had a head full of words (as per usual), and I really want to let you know - but I think I will leave this place with this first.

If you were an ice cream flavour, I'd pick you to be chocolate chip.

And it hits you out of nowhere. You didn't mean to see it, but you did. You don't mean to be affected, but you are. You really don't want to remember - and you actually successfully forget about it sometimes - but it hits you out of nowhere and then you're not sure.

It's okay, it's okay, it's okay. 

You don't really know what to say because it wasn't meant for you to see and you don't really want to ask because you don't really want to know the answer either and you're just so good at telling yourself certain things. 

It's okay, it's okay, it's okay. 

And then you're convincing yourself every time you think about it - it's okay, it's okay, it's okay. They're not the same. They're two different things (or people). Time. And time. And time.

But you remember that sinking feeling, don't you? Even though the years have passed and the cast of the storybook movie has changed - but the sinking feeling stays. You tell yourself, no. But your heart.

Be on guard.

It's okay, it's okay, it's okay. 

Be on guard. Cause if you're not protecting yourself, then who will? 

baby, don't worry now

No, we will never know.

I shouldn't ever wear white because I stain them when I'm not careful. Likewise, I shouldn't have something (or someone) because then I will hurt it (or them) even if I don't mean to.

Unless I am extra careful - because after all, I don't stain all my white t shirts, do I?

interlude

I have been meaning to come back here to say something - considering the last post was 29 September 2018 and a lot of things have changed since then.

It felt like a lifetime ago, whatever that happened and the person I was back then at that point of time felt like someone else entirely. All the things I complained about, all the thoughts I had on a daily basis just feels so foreign now when I think about it.

I had a lot of words prior to this - but I think I just have to live with these words: I can't choose you if you don't.

Goodnight sunshine.

Highly favoured and deeply loved!

Oh but yes, we were a little over-dramatic since whatever I was being angry about did not actually... come to fruition.

Why am I here?

That's easy - my diary pages are running out and I am babysitting a dog and I also have work to do.

The questions I always ask myself here is - have I changed? Since it always takes a little while before I update the space again.

3 months is a long time for anyone to make new habits. For me, I don't think I have changed any of my old habits but I feel like I have changed the way I look at life.

It wasn't an instantaneous event - in fact, it has taken all my life seeing as I have been a believer all my life.

Believer is such a funny word, is it? I feel like half the time we KNOW that there is a God, but the other half we are all just convincing ourselves to believe. After all, if we really ever did believe, then why would we all still be trying so hard?

That's where I said I felt like I have changed myself from the inside out the past 3 months. I used to know that God is for me, I used to know that He loves me and He will always be there. I am the prodigal son and He is my Father.

Did I believe it? Did I truly believe it?

No, I didn't. It's not easy because it's in human nature to just do everything ourselves and coin the term "trust no one".

So, have I changed in the outward sense? I don't think so - not really. But I have changed the way I feel and the way I react and I think that's the first step to bigger changes.

Aren't we being a little too over-dramatic?

Time

For a moment, as I close my eyes, I felt like I was back in Melbourne. Just for a moment, because the next I feel the sweltering heat, the low murmur in the background (because God knows why there's never a moment of silence in this part of the world - it is almost as though because there's too many people in such a small space that you can never escape from just that noise). 

Exam is coming up and it feels like it has been 10 years since I have studied in this house. I don't even think I studied for anything during my polytechnic days albeit a really short time I spent my life there. 

Nothing has changed I think, maybe apart from the fact that I have gotten a job since my last post. Nothing spectacular but the knowledge I gain each day is indispensable and I don't think it's anything I can get from anywhere else. Pay check low, but knowledge is king... right? 

And it's mid-year now. I can't keep up. The time is passing too fast. And there, I thought once in my adolescence years that the week will never end, but now? It's just passing too fast - I need something to cling on to. And it's not something I realise on a constant basis because there's always something to do but when I sit down and think about it. When I look at my mother (have I not realised she has a little more white hair now?), when I look at my father (and I know he is going to bed soon because he is just so damn tired). When I think about the thoughts in my head (future and stuff like that), when I hear things around me (Dexter is looking for a house soon), when I go for a run (I can no longer be that camel whom runs around at 12 noon for an hour straight), when I get back from work (and all I want to do is just curl up on my bed and... get ready for work the following day) and when I look at my girlfriend (and think about all the possibilities tomorrow might bring, and some forgotten). 

I am in a home where everything is still the same and in a sense, it makes me feel like time has not changed at all. I am still running around in my diapers, and Dexter is just hanging around somewhere waiting to play a prank on me. My oldest sister is looking out for me, and Charissa is reading a book somewhere. Somewhere in the background, my mom will be calling all of us to have our dinner. My brother isn't around because he is in the states somewhere. I think. My memory is all jumbled up but that doesn't mean they did not happen. If anything, I choose to believe time is linear and everything is happening all at once. 

I am at once, unborn, 2, 10, 45 and 100. It's like Schrödinger's cat. 

Do not go further than that. Some things don't change. Alas.